we don't like who we are but we pretend anyway

is there anybody out there?
is there anybody?

usually i'd take to updating my blog whenever i have something thought-provoking to say, or think, or type, or whatever, but for some reason i just have to get this out. i really don't know why i have to - maybe it's just one of those impulse things.
honest to blog, there's a teeny, tiny, absolutely microscopic part of me that kind of wants to be a parent in the future.
but like i said, it's microscopic, meaning less than one percent...okay actually maybe one percent. or two.
i guess it's the thought of raising a kid with your own values and teaching them to live life properly is kinda interesting, especially when you've already gone through the whole growing-up-and-learning-from-your-parents thing yourself.
so how did this random thought come into fruition? i honestly don't know. i was sitting in class a few days ago, trying my hardest to pay attention to the lecture, when it just suddenly popped into my head:
hey, doesn't the idea of having an offspring of your own sound at least a teensy bit intriguing to you?
weird, i know. it literally just dawned on me all of a sudden, and then i started thinking about names, which actually drove me crazy.
if kids are in store for me in the future, what the heck am i gonna call them?
i literally spent the rest of class coming up with nice names for my future little girls and boys - that is, if they really will exist in the future. i guess for now fantasizing will be okay. i'm pretty sure it's normal for girls (and maybe a few boys too) to pick out names for their dream offspring, or whatever. yeah, i don't wear skirts or fitting clothes but that doesn't mean i'm not a girl. i think about these things sometimes too, you know.
ironically i had an easier time picking out boys' names; for some reason i couldn't think of good enough girls' names. none of them seemed right to me, and then i wondered how hard it was going to be when -if- i actually will have a daughter, and how it's going to be confusing picking out a name for her when her father will probably have different opinions on what a perfect little girls' name should be. maybe it's because of the fact that i'm a girl, and the fact that i don't even like my own name. maybe it's easier for me to pick out a boy's name because well, i guess being a straight human female it would be easier to pick out appealing male names. finding an attractive girl name was definitely a mission and a half.
anyway, the boys' names i settled on were: jackson, jacob and darren. jackson, because i love the name jack, but it sounded more like a nickname than anything so i went ahead with the full thing - plus jackson rathbone is smokin', hahaha. jacob, because it's cute and simple, and let's face it - jake is a pretty hot nickname. darren, well...i'm not really sure why i like it. it sounds so simple and sophisticated at the same time - two completely different things in one package. maybe that's why i like it.
so after picking out my boys' names, i had to wrack my brains for perfect girls' names. believe me, my head was sore by the time i was finished. class was way over when i finally decided. i went through a bazillion names; i even searched some up on the internet so i can see their meanings and whatnot - yeah, bored much? there were a few i liked but didn't actually love, like roxanne, elizabeth, jamie, isabella (but thanks to twilight i'm having second thoughts on that one...) and amanda. i actually was about to be named amanda, but then my parents found out i was born on the ides of march (which is in a day! wooo! legal!) and decided to name me after the dude who made the date infamous: mr julius caesar himself. back on topic though, i liked all of the names i just listed, but for some reason they didn't actually click with me, if you get what i'm saying. i guess it's hard to pick out a name for your kid because once you settle on it that's what they're going to be known as for the rest of their life, and it makes me wonder just what exactly is going on through some parents' heads when they give their kids the most unappealling names - boris, florence, olga, milhouse, fran, fanny...
but anyway, i actually did manage to settle on a girls' name i absolutely fell in love with. it's kind of geeky and random at how i discovered the name (anna i hope you won't disown me for this, but i really like the name and it doesn't have to do anything with the video game whatsoever - i just like the name!): it's from one of square enix's classics, kingdom hearts. like i just mentioned in a little sidenote to my friend, the reason why i chose the name was not because of the video game, even though i am a big fan of it and love it to pieces; it's because it merely sounds fitting. for some reason i'd rather give my daughter an uncommon name instead of my son; again maybe it has to do with the fact that i'm a girl, but i dunno, it can just be me and my wayward thought process.
anyway, if you have no idea what i'm talking about, the name i decided on is naminé - pronounced nah-me-nay. unusual and uncommon, yes, but i like the way it just rolls off your tongue, and the accent thing is pretty badass, you have to admit. i have no idea what it means, but apparently the nami part means 'wave' in japanese, like an ocean wave. i love it - the name, i mean. it just sounds so pretty. why can't my name be cool like that?! i guess if i was a boy my name would be a bit worse - i think i prefer juliane to julius.
wow, this entry ended up running a lot longer than i thought - i really intended for this to be just a drabble of some sort. the human mind continues to baffle me.