will i shake this off, pretend it's all okay?

"i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor,
where i laid and told you but you swore you loved me more."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fL5ckQ_A5U

one of the many reasons why tom delonge is one of my heroes. even when he 'grew up' and shook off his immaturity when he formed angels and airwaves, i've always admired him for the things he says and the music he makes, though i think i'm probably more of a hoppus fan when it comes to lyrics. the speech he makes in the beginning of the video is incredible, and though i can't relate to it because i've never really been in love before, it still moves me in some way because there's an emotion to his words, an experience.
sometimes i wish i spoke like that, but i don't have anything to draw knowledge from. my life needs to be more eventful.

one step closer, getting brighter

wandering through starry skies,
and when tomorrow's day arrives
i'll be a moment closer to
the brightest hour, here with you.

i hate not being able to sleep properly. it's been heckling me ever since i was really little; my mom even told me once that i've been having troubles sleeping when i was a baby.
i guess the perfect way to describe insomnia is how edward norton decribed it in fight club: everything seems so far away and unrealistic, a copy of a copy of a copy. time stretches to amazing lengths and everything moves in a ridiculously slow haze. getting through the night is horrible because you're just sitting alone in your room with the computer screen glaring into your aching eyes and you have nothing to listen to but the eerie stillness of the house. you're so sick of the music on your playlist because you've heard the songs at least a thousand times each and there's never anything worth watching on tv at this time of the evening. you can't play guitar or any sort of musical instrument because there's a risk of everyone else waking up, and you're so dissillusioned and disorientated you don't feel like playing anyway. the internet's even losing its lustre; you can't find anything good to watch on youtube anymore, and all the movies have either out-of-sync audio, or they're really crappy quality. or maybe they're just taking too long to load and you're tired of how slow things have been going for you lately.
enduring the day is just as hard, especially when you've got school or work. your attention and reflexes are shot due to your lack of energy, and homework is simply impossible. the sun hurts your eyes when you first step outside because you're so used to sitting in the dark (or maybe that's just me, i dunno); your friends jokingly refer you to a vampire or a zombie. you lose track of time since there's no need to keep track of it anymore - you're up all hours of the day, so what's the point? when people try to talk to you their words sound like drunken slurs, and you can only mumble back a response because it takes too much effort to talk.
and after a long day of work you collapse on your bed, stare up at the ceiling for a few hours and wait for the cycle to repeat itself.
i guess this is pretty 'early' for me right now - 3am is nothing. i guess the only good thing about not being able to sleep is that i've seen the sunrise numerous times, and not a lot of people i know actually got the chance to. and sometimes the eerie silence in the middle of the night is comforting; when you're so used to the hustle and bustle of everyday life it's relaxing to kind of just sit and listen to particularly nothing.
anyway, the only reason why i decided to write today was because i was in a ranting mood, and clearly i'm finished ranting, so i'm gonna go play mariokart now...with the volume turned all the way down. cheers.

this time i'll do things proper

"dear you, tonight let's get ahead of ourselves."

thanks for the birthday wishes, everybody! i really appreciate it.
you know, when i first found out i was born on the day julius caesar was assassinated (that word looks so weird...ASSASS...hahahahaha) i was freaking out, but in the good way. i was like, 'whoa whoa i was born on the day somebody died? RAD!' and out of all people, it had to be freakin' julius caesar. my parents named me after him because of this. too bad i don't have as much ambition as he did - i'm one of the laziest people you'll ever meet, i swear.
it's funny how you think you have all the time in the world, and then you blink and suddenly a decade has already passed. people are always telling you to manage your time wisely because you don't have a whole lot of it, and whenever you think about the future you always think that it won't come for a long time. i swear just yesterday i was still in elementary school, huddling in the corner with my friends and talking about pokemon and who hugged who during so and so's birthday party. i never thought high school would come, and i didn't even give college and university a thought, but now here i am ten years later with a diminishing hangover and a lip ring, hoping that seneca@york will accept me so i don't have to slave away at utsc anymore. honestly, i hate uft. i only accepted 'cause my mom wanted me to. in all honesty i really just want to play guitar.
but yeah, back to what i was saying - time passes by way too quickly. i remember being twelve and burning random top 40s music onto blank cds and biking around the neighbourhood during the summer with my friends. i remember running up and down in the gym with my black and silver basketball jersey and trading pokemon and yugioh cards. i remember getting up at eight in the morning on saturdays to watch cartoons and complaining to my mom when she told me to go to bed at ten pm. i remember my typical outfit: baseball cap, t-shirt and jean shorts. i remember running around the field with the boys and learning how to hop fences. i remember piano lessons and how i actually liked it for the first two years, and then begging my mom to quit when the fourth one came around. i remember listening to blink-182 and picking up a guitar for the first time. i remember how i thought how impossible it was to make a d chord. i remember quebec and getting locked out of our own room. i remember how on chris' tenth birthday i was the only girl at his party, and his dad told me that i was the only rose out of the thorns.
now i download and rip music of bands no one's ever heard of onto my ipod. we drive way too fast in our cars just to get to people's houses a few blocks away. walking up a flight of stairs is exercise for me now. pokemon and yugioh are still cool. i sleep at six in the morning and wake up at five in the afternoon. i wear band shirts and a legend of zelda belt buckle. i still run around with the boys and i'm proud of the fact that i'm one of the few girls who can hop a fence. i regret quitting piano and i want to learn again. i'm stoked at the fact that blink-182 is back together and i can't wait for their summer tour. the e flat chord is now the new impossible chord. i returned to quebec this past summer and chugged a vodka cooler and my stomach started to burn. chris gave me a bazillion hugs yesterday even though we still had a couple hours before my actual birthday.
i'm a 19 year old girl who acts and looks like a 14 year old boy - minus the whole horny for poon tang part.
i've spent the past ten years with the greatest friends in the world and i can't wait to see what the next ten will bring us. i'm just scared that if i blink too many times, i'll miss it.

we don't like who we are but we pretend anyway

is there anybody out there?
is there anybody?

usually i'd take to updating my blog whenever i have something thought-provoking to say, or think, or type, or whatever, but for some reason i just have to get this out. i really don't know why i have to - maybe it's just one of those impulse things.
honest to blog, there's a teeny, tiny, absolutely microscopic part of me that kind of wants to be a parent in the future.
but like i said, it's microscopic, meaning less than one percent...okay actually maybe one percent. or two.
i guess it's the thought of raising a kid with your own values and teaching them to live life properly is kinda interesting, especially when you've already gone through the whole growing-up-and-learning-from-your-parents thing yourself.
so how did this random thought come into fruition? i honestly don't know. i was sitting in class a few days ago, trying my hardest to pay attention to the lecture, when it just suddenly popped into my head:
hey, doesn't the idea of having an offspring of your own sound at least a teensy bit intriguing to you?
weird, i know. it literally just dawned on me all of a sudden, and then i started thinking about names, which actually drove me crazy.
if kids are in store for me in the future, what the heck am i gonna call them?
i literally spent the rest of class coming up with nice names for my future little girls and boys - that is, if they really will exist in the future. i guess for now fantasizing will be okay. i'm pretty sure it's normal for girls (and maybe a few boys too) to pick out names for their dream offspring, or whatever. yeah, i don't wear skirts or fitting clothes but that doesn't mean i'm not a girl. i think about these things sometimes too, you know.
ironically i had an easier time picking out boys' names; for some reason i couldn't think of good enough girls' names. none of them seemed right to me, and then i wondered how hard it was going to be when -if- i actually will have a daughter, and how it's going to be confusing picking out a name for her when her father will probably have different opinions on what a perfect little girls' name should be. maybe it's because of the fact that i'm a girl, and the fact that i don't even like my own name. maybe it's easier for me to pick out a boy's name because well, i guess being a straight human female it would be easier to pick out appealing male names. finding an attractive girl name was definitely a mission and a half.
anyway, the boys' names i settled on were: jackson, jacob and darren. jackson, because i love the name jack, but it sounded more like a nickname than anything so i went ahead with the full thing - plus jackson rathbone is smokin', hahaha. jacob, because it's cute and simple, and let's face it - jake is a pretty hot nickname. darren, well...i'm not really sure why i like it. it sounds so simple and sophisticated at the same time - two completely different things in one package. maybe that's why i like it.
so after picking out my boys' names, i had to wrack my brains for perfect girls' names. believe me, my head was sore by the time i was finished. class was way over when i finally decided. i went through a bazillion names; i even searched some up on the internet so i can see their meanings and whatnot - yeah, bored much? there were a few i liked but didn't actually love, like roxanne, elizabeth, jamie, isabella (but thanks to twilight i'm having second thoughts on that one...) and amanda. i actually was about to be named amanda, but then my parents found out i was born on the ides of march (which is in a day! wooo! legal!) and decided to name me after the dude who made the date infamous: mr julius caesar himself. back on topic though, i liked all of the names i just listed, but for some reason they didn't actually click with me, if you get what i'm saying. i guess it's hard to pick out a name for your kid because once you settle on it that's what they're going to be known as for the rest of their life, and it makes me wonder just what exactly is going on through some parents' heads when they give their kids the most unappealling names - boris, florence, olga, milhouse, fran, fanny...
but anyway, i actually did manage to settle on a girls' name i absolutely fell in love with. it's kind of geeky and random at how i discovered the name (anna i hope you won't disown me for this, but i really like the name and it doesn't have to do anything with the video game whatsoever - i just like the name!): it's from one of square enix's classics, kingdom hearts. like i just mentioned in a little sidenote to my friend, the reason why i chose the name was not because of the video game, even though i am a big fan of it and love it to pieces; it's because it merely sounds fitting. for some reason i'd rather give my daughter an uncommon name instead of my son; again maybe it has to do with the fact that i'm a girl, but i dunno, it can just be me and my wayward thought process.
anyway, if you have no idea what i'm talking about, the name i decided on is naminé - pronounced nah-me-nay. unusual and uncommon, yes, but i like the way it just rolls off your tongue, and the accent thing is pretty badass, you have to admit. i have no idea what it means, but apparently the nami part means 'wave' in japanese, like an ocean wave. i love it - the name, i mean. it just sounds so pretty. why can't my name be cool like that?! i guess if i was a boy my name would be a bit worse - i think i prefer juliane to julius.
wow, this entry ended up running a lot longer than i thought - i really intended for this to be just a drabble of some sort. the human mind continues to baffle me.

can you still feel the butterflies?

i close my eyes and believe
that wherever you are, an angel for me.

when my dad picked me up from school today he told me that my brother's friend's mom had died last night. she succumbed to breast cancer after nearly a year-long struggle. she had been in the hospital for the past few weeks; she wasn't getting any better.
i never really knew her, but my mom was acquainted with her and she told me that she was a very kind person - the type that doesn't deserve that kind of fate.
whenever something like this happens people always wonder why god punishes the people who don't deserve it. you get all the good ones dying out on you and you're left with the thieves, murderers, radicals, liars, and con artists. it's so hard to find a genuinely nice person nowadays because most of them seem to have either died already or they're in the process of dying. it's like somebody up there doesn't want the human race to improve itself.
i've never really had faith in society. it worsened when i got that seasonal job at toys r us during christmas time; it's unbelievable, how nasty people can be around the holidays. i've never seen so many selfish, greedy, self-centered people packed together in all my life. and then there's just my generation - people born in the 90s - the next ones in line to lead society. you've got bright kids killing their brain cells smoking this and that and passing out drunk on the floor at three in the morning. teen pregnancies and one-sided relationships. tight jeans on boys. girls overflowing with hormones. you've got all the pete wentzs and nicole scherzingers all grouped together in high schools, universities and colleges talking about the next time they're going to get high. facebook and myspace. twitter. ipods and motorola. aritzia. volcom. lululemon. billabong. fcuk. converse. rofl. lmao. wtf. omg.
maybe god, or whoever controls everything isn't punishing the people who don't deserve it - maybe it doesn't even have to be seen as a punishment. maybe he's just relieving the good people of living in this hellhole so they don't have to put up with all this bullshit. he's giving them an early start to living the good life while the rest of us waste away down here. leave the tainted ones to destroy themselves while the goodhearted folk watch and observe from up above.
i dunno. just sayin'.

avant l'ombre et l'indifference

un vertige puis le silence,
je veux juste une derniere danse.

recently i've been getting a kick out of international artists, specifically utada hikaru, or hikaru utada, whichever you prefer. i have a love for international artists like her because it's always good to get your fill on different types of music, even if it's in a language you're not familiar with. i've recently gotten back into french pop-rock as well, like yelle, kyo and bb brunes. there's a new zealand artist i've been getting into as well - his name is tiki tane, and there's a spanish band i've been listening to called cafe tacvba. good stuff.
for years utada's been trying to jumpstart a career in the states but she's only gotten a small fanbase, which is why she decided to switch over to japan instead, where she's now known as a jpop icon. she claimed that there aren't a lot of asian artists in north america that have gone mainstream, so it's a little harder to break out here. there's a lot of truth to that, and i'm kind of disappointed, seeing that there's a bunch of asians inhabiting the states and canada, and a lot of them are talented musicians. youtube stars like gabe bondoc, passion and david choi aren't getting enough recognition in the entertainment industry when they clearly should - have you seen their videos? i can't even dream of playing and singing as well as they can.
i guess one of the many reasons why utada hasn't been successful in the western world is because of the way her music sounds, but i don't mean that in a bad way - it's very poppish, and the lyrics are kinda weird, which is partially because they're a 'translation' of the original japanese version. the beauty of music lies in its lyrics, and you can only experience the full impact in its original form, including the language it's been written in first. you can listen to a song in a different langauge and not understand a single word of it, yet it can drive you to tears. it can sound beautiful to you though it's in a language you don't understand. if you try to translate it into a language you do understand you're taking away its meaning - just because you understand it now doesn't mean it has the same meaning when you listened to it in its original language. you can't ever really get an exact translation, and the music just doesn't sound the same when it's translated. take utada's passion and its english counterpart, sanctuary. if you translate the lyrics in passion, they're completely different from sanctuary, and when you listen to both her voice in passion sounds better. her newest english single, come back to me, is one she written solely in english and it's pretty decent; the lyrics are kinda corny though, which is probably the only fault in her english music. one of the lyrics goes as such:
i wish that i could photoshop all our bad memories
'cause the flashbacks, oh the flashbacks
they won't leave me alone.
ehh, 'photoshop all our bad memories' could definitely be replaced with something more practical, and flashbacks...well i guess it isn't as bad as the photoshop thing, but that could be switched around too. it's funny because utada was born and raised in new york, and you'd think she'd have a better grasp on western contemporary music - i'm not saying she doesn't; the music is great and her voice is spectacular, but the lyrics can use a little work. the key to making a good song is to write meaningful lyrics that come straight from the heart, and of course a melody that can entertwine with it. she already sang a remix of neyo's do you on the japanese release of because of you and it sounds amazing; i think it sounds better than mary j blige's version. she also sang covers of the carpenter's close to you, bart howard's fly me to the moon, u2's with or without you, ah ha's take on me and green day's boulevard of broken dreams and she sounds great in all of them. it's definitely possible that she can be successful in north america with a talent like hers - she just needs to step it up on the lyrics a bit, haha.
her new english album, this is the one, comes out on march 24th, i think...and i think i'm gonna get it. it's gonna be different than her past english albums; she primarily focused on dance and pop, but on this album she's veered into a more r&b-ish sound, which is evident in her newest single, come back to me. i advise you all to listen to it, because it's a really good song - corny lyrics, but great music.
besides utada, i am currently in love with kyo, a french pop-rock band, and their song une derneire danse, which is primarily why i've pasted a few lyrics of it at the top of this entry. listen to that too! it reminds me of a slower version of sugarcult's pretty girl, somehow. haha. this is one band i definitely don't want translated - french music sounds great in french, thank you very much.
maybe i should try and learn french again...being canadian i should be able to speak at least one or two sentences in french but after being forced to take french for nearly ten years i've grown disillusioned of it. why didn't i pay attention in class? now i'm regretting not learning another language. french sounds so awesome when spoken fluently too. maybe i should get one of those 'learn french' mp3 things and i can listen to it while i sleep, like in dexter's labratory, ahahaha. i'm just scared the thing will break and i'll spend the entire day muttering omlette du fromage. but sears, i think that should be one of the things i have to accomplish before i die: learn my birth country's second native language. then i can feel cool because i'm bilingual. hahaha. sigh.