head noize.

fanfiction peeps, listen up!

2010-01-31T17:44:00.002-05:00

here are sneak previews of the first chapters to the two AU stories i'm planning to upload in the near future. which one should be uploaded first? i need help deciding ><

so here's the first one: it's the farm-situated, coming-of-age story. it's called where the heart is. this is just an excerpt and not the full chapter:

I can’t say I’ve accomplished anything worth mentioning, except for the fact I’ve lived most of my life being compared to other members of my family.

My twin brother, for instance, just finished his first year in college on a soccer scholarship. He’s got a girlfriend who’s captain of the varsity cheerleading squad - a cute redhead, but too bubbly in personality - and with a 3.5 GPA to boot.

My cousin Xion got accepted into the most prestigious performing arts school in the country - yep, she, too is on a scholarship. She got the lead part in an upcoming play written by one of the city’s most known playwrights; the first show is next October.

My dad even has a few things worth boasting about; he married his childhood sweetheart and raised three kids on a ranch in a rural town with a population of three thousand. When his wife died ten years after their wedding he migrated to the city and secured a formidable job that paid all the bills, despite the fact he’s got nothing more than a high school diploma.

What did I have? Well, for starters I’m a college dropout; after three months of college I realized it wasn’t for me and abandoned post-secondary education altogether. I don’t know if it was just a bout of youthful indecisiveness or if it really wasn’t meant for me, but all I know is the moment I decided I wasn’t going back I felt relieved.

Besides that, I don’t think there’s really anything else worth mentioning.

I’m not special. I’m not overly smart like my dad is or extremely talented like my twin brother and cousin are. I have enough friends to feel like I have some sort of a social life and I got average grades in school. I wasn’t picked first in Gym class, but I wasn’t picked last either. I like music that some people like, and I like to play sports when I’m in the mood for it.

There’s nothing extraordinary about me. If anything, I’m just ordinary, and maybe that’s what makes me feel so unattached to the rest of the world.

the next excerpt is from the second story; it's loosely inspired from the movie 500 days of summer. the characters are young adults and the mood leans towards a romantic comedy. it'll be called hard to get. here's the excerpt:

My phone rings, and the toast and I jump at exactly the same time. I pull the hot bread out and smear whatever was left of the Nutella before answering the call. I check the name on the call display: my best friend.

“Roxas?” Axel splutters frantically, and I chew my toast calmly, “Are you still coming?”

“I’m on my way,” I assure him as I swallow the last piece of my toast, “Don’t worry, I got this.”

“You sound awfully calm.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” I ask as I down my glass of milk. I check the digital clock on the stove - half an hour.

“Well,” Axel begins in a much more even tone, “I just want you to know you’re wasting your time.”

I roll my eyes - I’ve heard this so many times before. “Axel, how many times do I have to tell you; I have to do this. I know this is what I’m supposed to do.”

“You tell me the same thing every time.” He groans exasperatingly.

“I can easily say the same thing about you.” I mutter as I head for the door. “Look, I gotta go. I’ll be there soon.”

“Wait, I think you’re misinterpreting me,” He says as I lock my door, “You don’t have to do this, Roxas. She’s-”

“There’s no point in trying to convince me - you should know this by now,” I tell him firmly as I walk into the elevator, “I know now, Axel - I belong with her. She’s mine. I can’t let her go. I need her.” My chest twitches in pain but I ignore it. I lean against the wall and watch the numbers of the floor indicator go down, down, down…

I hear giggling again, and the twitching continues.

“A kiss for every floor…”

“Roxas?” Axel’s voice jolts me back to the present, and I blink wordlessly.

no one else will know these lonely dreams

2009-11-08T21:29:00.004-05:00

"you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for the right time."

i really don't know what possessed me to blog about this, but i guess it's just one of those things you feel you have to let out before you lose it. maybe it's just one of those random bouts of inspiration you get when you least expect it, and you're so compelled to jot it down somewhere because you know you'll never get it back once it slips away.
i was just canoodling on my itunes when i stumbled upon a song i haven't heard in awhile: savage garden's two beds and a coffee machine, and i've forgotten how fucking depressing it is. it isn't just the content of the lyrics - a bad case of battered woman syndrome - that made me want to cry, well it was a big part of the reason but what contributed to it was the instrumental too. how can you NOT cry to a song with lyrics about a woman with an abusive husband with a solo piano and a few strings lulling in the background? i dunno about you, but the piano-strings combination gets me nearly every time. actually...it might just be strings. i dunno.
so after i played the song i scoured my playlist for other depressing music, and i ended up creating a new list which i will post shortly. i've forgotten how amazing these songs were, and all of them deserve credit. at first i tried to figure out which song i thought was the saddest, but in the end i couldn't make up my mind. thus, this playlist came to fruition.
i was going to use savage garden's song as the featured song for today's update but then i came across jimmy eat world - one of my ultimate favourite bands by the way - and i was reminded of how this song nearly drove me to tears every time i listened to it. in fact a lot of jimmy eat world songs drive me to tears, so don't be surprised if you spot more than two songs from them on the playlist, haha.
anyway, here's the list. it's not in any particular order.

songs you'll most likely bawl your eyes out to.

1. only hope by mandy moore : the original is actually by switchfoot but the mandy moore version sounded more depressing...at least to me.
i lift my hands and pray to be only yours.
2. for blue skies by strays don't sleep : apparently this was on one tree hill, though i don't watch the show so i can't really confirm that.
i'll never get used to it.
3. everything by lifehouse : this was the theme song to smallville, i think - another show i never watched - but just listening to the lyrics and the guitar is just...wow.
how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?
4. 23 by jimmy eat world : well it IS the featured song for this update so it's gotta be on the list, haha. as usual jim adkin's lyrical prowess never ceases to amaze me.
i won't always love what i'll never have.
5. two beds and a coffee machine by savage garden : another song i mentioned earlier, so this obviously made the list.
wonder how i ever made it through.
6. lindsay quit lollygagging (acoustic) by chiodos : really bummed out how craig owens left the band, but i guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. the lyrics and the solo piano in this version of the song is definitely heartwrenching.
i will be able to sleep at night with a smile upon her face.
7. fix you by coldplay : you should've seen this coming. you really have to be an unemotional sack of organs to NOT feel something for this song.
i will try to fix you.
8. videotape by radiohead : it's on their newest album, yes, but i don't think i've ever cried to a radiohead song until this one came around.
this is my way of saying goodbye 'cause i can't do it face to face.
9. hide and seek by imogen heap : it was popular before its appearance on the oc, you know.
they were here first.
10. you are the moon by the hush sound : i came across this song randomly one day by surfing around youtube. it's odd how the song is actually about the moon - if you read the lyrics carefully it all clicks - but like most songs you can interpret it how you wish.
the subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone.
11. existentialism on prom night by straylight run : it's one of those songs you can picture a couple waking up in the morning to. the end gets me all the time.
sing me something soft.
12. my sundown by jimmy eat world : yet another JEW song.
good goodbye, i'll be fine.
13. the other promise by yoko shimomura : yay for video game music! yeah yeah, i had to put this as the thirteenth song...how couldn't i? haha. roxas' theme song probably has to be one of the saddest theme songs i've ever heard, and the fact that yoko shimomura made an orchestral recording of it made it even sadder!
my heart belongs to me.
14. xion's theme by yoko shimomura : well since she's number XIV i had to...
how can two people be the same person?
15. your letter by 112 : about time i put some R&B in this. you'd THINK this song would have a happy ending, but it doesn't =(
i saw a letter lying on the floor.
16. drugs or me by jimmy eat world : this makes JEW song number three. the title kind of speaks for itself, really.
you promised, you promised.
17. run by snow patrol : the last parts at the end get me every time. have heart, my dear.
18. soil, soil by tegan and sara : the lyrics are very relatable.
i'm feeling directionless, yes, but that's to be expected.
19. for me this is heaven by jimmy eat world : this is one of my favourite songs of all time, and the bridge is always a tearjerker - at least for me.
i close my eyes and believe that wherever you are, an angel for me.
20. your ex-lover is dead (final fantasy remix) by stars : the final fantasy/owen pallett version of this song is simply amazing - i think it's better than the original. the piano and the strings combo proves itself worthy once again.
and all of that time you thought i was sad, i was trying to remember your name.

i'm probably missing a bunch of other songs out, but i'm really tired and i have to get up at six so i should be sleeping soon. if i feel like it i'll probably update the list...but i don't know how likely that'll be, haha.

you've got to reach a little more

2009-10-20T20:09:00.003-04:00

"i had it all but not what i wanted
'cause hope for me was a place unchartered."

while in the midst of writing my midterm paper for one of my journalism classes i've come to the realization that i've never really written a legitimate review of a recently-released CD that i am absolutely in love with. what CD am i speaking of, you ask? paramore, duh. so how long as it been since it's been released...*checks wikipedia* two and a half weeks? september 29th was the launch date for the united states and canada - i was fortunate enough to head over to the nearest HMV (it took a bus ride and two subway stops...i blame york university) and get it. on the way home i heard on the radio that brand new eyes outsold mariah carey's new album on the first day - mariah carey's new album, memoirs of a perfect angel, had already been out for four days by then. kinda shows that mariah's been losing her touch; the 90s was a great decade, but let's face it - it's over. just sayin', mariah. just sayin'.
but back to my point - brand new eyes is a great follow-up to paramore's sophomore release, riot! it's got the same bright guitars, pounding drums and hayley's commit-it-to-memory vocals, but at the same time there's something different about the way the music's presented. in a sense there's a more mature twang to it - a clear allusion to the past tensions that almost led to the breakup to the band - lyrically-wise and musically. it's a great improvement from the last album, yet at the same it's also very nostalgic. it's like a remake of a classic movie, only this time the remake is somehow better than the classic.
there are some tracks on the CD that are very riot!-like: 'careful' and 'ignorance' reflect the catchy rhythms and energy-driven beats the previous album was practically made of. there are even a few tracks that are reminiscent of the band's debut, all we know is falling: 'all i wanted' and 'playing god' are prime examples with a slower tempo, but still retaining the bright guitars and interlocking harmonies. the two acoustic tracks 'the only exception' and 'misguided ghosts' are a nice change from the loud drums and guitars; the harmonies in 'misguided ghosts' coupled with hayley's softer vocals give off a very chilling, almost nostalgic mood. all in all the track listing is a nice mix-up of both previous albums with a hint of something new.
you can always count on a near-breakup experience to fuel a sense of maturity in the band's sound. the almost-breakup that happened to paramore before the release of brand new eyes is quite evident in the songs. it's more of a read-between-the-lines thing, but once you actually do it you can see the tensions that were felt during the difficult time. hayley does an amazing job of executing these feelings as usual with her vocals; she can outdo present-day mariah carey any day. maybe she can outdo 90s mariah carey too - actually it might seem very plausible.
so what else do i have to say about the new CD? not much i guess - except for the fact that it's satisfiable, well-written, well-executed and definitely something to listen to on repeat. i've been obsessed with 'careful' (also my featured song for today - check the playlist out!) for at least a week and a half after the CD was released - the way hayley sings 'more' at the end of the chorus gets me every time. honestly, how can she sing like that? it boggles the friggin' mind. great job paramore - four and a half stars for you!

in other, not-so-important news...

i finally compiled all of the featured songs i've, er, featured in past entries and put them together in a playlist, which you can see on the right of this blog thinger. if you're bored of your music and you're in need of something new, feel free to check it out. my playlist is as random as random gets.

do i have anything else i need to say...?

...no, i guess not.

'till next time, folks.

i think timing's for stupid fucks

2009-10-18T22:33:00.003-04:00

"my girlfriend dumped me...boohoohoo...
and i'm really hurt..."

the idea of rebellion is being tossed around way too often these days, up to the point where its exact definition has become so bland, overused and generic no one really knows what it is anymore. with the emergence of a new generation comes a new face of pop culture, fads, clothes, music, hair, style, slang, way of thinking, whatever else you want to throw in there. a lot of things have changed in the past decade, and just because stuff's been shifted around a bit doesn't mean that it's a good thing.
now i don't want to sound too preachy on this because i'd only be contradicting myself, but to be honest with you when i think about the idea of people trying too hard to be different nowadays it only gets me really, really POed and i end up exploding on an hour-long rant on how they're doing the complete opposite. you see it everywhere nowadays: people are bragging to each other, trying to look more bad ass then the rest.

"yeah, i was a badass in high school. did the stupidest shit - did drugs, never went to class, fought against my teachers. wasn't the best student, but whatever - i grew out of it...i think. hurhurhur"

"oh man that was awesome - totally brings me back to the time when i got mad wasted and i woke up the next morning not knowing where i was or what happened last night. fuckn' eh man, it was so live."

really, i'd expect this kinda stuff from high school students. for adolescents it's a completely different story: we've all been there and we've all gone through the phase. there was that one time in your life where the need to be different from everyone else was your number one priority, and you went great lengths to achieve it: you wore funny clothes, you listened to music no one else listened to, you dyed your hair a bajillion different colours, you pierced your face and tattooed your body. yeah, it's teenage rebellion, adolescent angst; a need to 'express ourselves'. i've totally been there before - my lip ring's plain proof.
it's funny how the youth act nowadays; when our parents were our age the popular thing was to try and fit in. now it's basically the exact opposite. what makes it even funnier is since everyone's trying so hard to be different they all end up the same anyway - they wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, talk the same slang. oh the wonders of irony...
sadly, i still see the same high school-ish attitude in college, where there are people that are like, five years older than me and they're telling these farfetched stories like it's a fuckn' nursery rhyme or something. i even see it online - i've had reviewers on ff.net who tell me the weirdest things in a vain effort to make themselves appear 'cool' or 'tough' or whatever. there's a scene in one of my stories in which there's a lot of blood. i put a forewarning in the beginning of the chapter, telling people that writing this chapter made me feel queasy because it was sort of graphic. anyway, this one reviewer had the nerve to 'apologize' because they didn't feel queasy at all. they said it was because they bleed all the time, and then they put in one of those little funny faces like o_O haha. it was one of those comments that was meant to slip by casually, like they wanted to mention it in passing but at the same time they wanted you to acknowledge it. it was kinda aggravating.
i hate it when people do that. it's like saying "oh, yeah you're cool and all but i've done things that make me cooler than you." honestly, do i fucking care?
...sorry, i was just talking this over very briefly with a friend over twitter (yeah yeah i know, fuck off haha) and i just got all bristled up over it. it's something i have to get off my chest before i sign off for the night 'cause if i don't i'll end up fuming over it for the remainder of the evening.
i've seen these kinds of people everywhere, and really i should be used to it by now. maybe it's just the fact that i've been over-exposed to it that i've grown a more intense hatred for it rather than a tolerance. i dunno.
then there are those people who like to call out on others who 'conform' or 'fit into society'. now this is another pet peeve of mine. i know most of us live in a free country where free speech is allowed but some people really have to draw the line. i see stuff like this happen everywhere, from the computer to the real world. there's always that one dick that has to say shit like:

"i find it funny/weird/amusing/whatever adjective you want to use how everyone's liking so-and-so now because of what they did and the stuff they're involved in."

again, it's just one of those 'casual' passing comments that are meant to just slip by, yet its purpose is to catch people's attention and make them feel guilty for allegedly 'conforming' or 'doing what everyone else does'. i'm not gonna lie to you - i've made a comment like this a few times before so i'm somewhat of a hypocrite, but i'm openly admitting to it. it's something unavoidable really - everyone's made this kind of comment at least once or twice. it's just one of those tongue-in-cheek comments you just HAVE to make in certain situations.
you've got all kinds of people, old and young, who constantly make passing remarks like these to somehow give their peers a subliminal message that they're secretly rebelling against society and that they're badder than they appear to be. i guess it's sort of a natural thing - ever since man was smart enough to record history a lot of people have been aching to overthrow the system and fight against whatever they don't believe is right - but at the same time people also have to know when to draw the line. you can express your opinion and be respected for it, or you can preach to the point where people disdain you and label you as an obnoxious brat who just thrives in hearing themselves talk. do you want an example of what happens to preachy people? watch american history x and hopefully you'll get an idea - sure it's a little dramatized but it will help to pass the message on.
while we're still on the topic of movies, i also want to mention another great movie that deals with the topic of posers and try-hards and rebels: slc punk! great, great stuff. i highly recommend it.

now, back on track...

i guess when it all comes down to something it might have to do with one common factor: we really just want people to like us. think about the douche who told you about the time they got arrested with their friends and spent a night or two in jail - why else would he or she tell you that pointless, farfetched story that was totally irrelevant to your conversation? they wanted to impress you; they wanted you to think 'wow, this person's pretty cool.' in a way it's kind of sad, kind of heartbreaking, kind of pathetic. whether you're open to admit it or not we all want to be liked, we all want to be appreciated, we all want to be 'cool' to somebody else, whether it be your friends, your family, or a reader who reviews your stories on ff.net. though it was a main priority in our adolescence it carries onto our adulthood. it's human nature to crave that kind of attention - some are just more desperate for it than others.

of course this doesn't have to be taken literally - it's my opinion, after all. it's nothing worth mentioning on fuckn' cnn or something. it's just something i've observed over the past few years, something that's been picking on me for awhile. i can be right or wrong, or maybe even both. so if you totally disagree with everything i had to say in this little rant by all means disagree - you've got the power of free speech; take advantage of it!

alright, time for my featured song:

since i was in a ranting mood and was on the subject of rebelling and whatnot i had the notion to listen to anti-flag. they're probably one of my favourite punk bands; they've got the typical fuck-the-system, somewhat-preachy attitude but hey - no one's perfect. their music's great and they're conveying their message through their music, and that's what counts. this song in particular is one of my favourites - not only because it's humourously cocky but because there's some truth to it too...but then again that can also be seen as somewhat opinionated. whatever tickles your fancy, i guess.

yeah, i'm thinkin' 'bout you

2009-10-18T12:54:00.005-04:00

in all its misery it will always be what i love and hated
and maybe take a ride to the other side.

of course, being the studious student that i so explicitly am i'm not doing any work whatsoever - sunday's my homework day, as you can clearly see - and i'm writing on this instead. aside from writing for ff.net school and band stuff has been occupying my life to no end; i've been burning out left right and centre like a short matchstick.
speaking of ff.net i'm really surprised - and of course flattered - by the amazing success and attention we're all mad here has received. i didn't think people would actually take interest in it - it's something i wrote on a whim one night, all 14 chapters of it - and i thought it would be too rushed to actually be likable. to those who read, reviewed and favourited/alerted the story thank you from the bottom of my heart! i really do appreciate it - you guys are awesome.

but yeah, back to what i was trying to say - life nowadays is just schoolschoolschoolschoolbandschoolschoolschoolwritingfanfictionschoolschoolschoolschool. not the greatest life - i hardly go out nowadays because everyone's either clubbing (which isn't my thing, really), sick with the (swine...just kidding) flu or concentrated on their schoolwork like i am *suppresses snort*. my diet mainly consists of either mineral water, french vanilla or monster - the latter being more common. obviously this isn't really helping my already ailing condition...but honestly as a post-secondary student you don't really have time to do many things - eating a full meal being one of them. i do have reading week after this week, however, so if i'm not riddled with band practice and songwriting-block i'll have the opportunity to finally eat some real food.
i really don't have much to say today...i just felt like i needed to complain about school because that's what everyone does during midterm time, haha. i actually don't really have midterms...more like tedious video and radio assignments that are worth a quarter of my final mark. i really should get started on those soon...but i still need to write up scripts for them and such. ugh.
as for my fanfiction.net life, i do have a few things i'd like to address. after we're all mad here is finished i promised readers i'd upload a new story, based on whichever wins in the poll. s far it seems that the 358/2 days rewrite is winning, which is great 'cause i've already got a few chapters written down for that. the problem is i keep rewriting said chapters 'cause i keep changing my mind about the plot -_- axel is a damn hard character to write! the fact that he's hard to read and everything makes writing his character such a challenge to portray in written word, and since this is going to be a mostly IU story i need to make him as in-character as possible. i'm debating whether he should be friendly or stoic towards naminé in the beginning of the story; is it more realistic for axel to befriend her in the beginning because she's in need of company, or is it better if he's cold and whatnot to her until later on the story when he realizes just how much she means to his best friend? i stuck with the former idea first because it was easier to do, but then when i thought about that part in C.O when he threatens to kill her to get through to marluxia i got second thoughts. if he was a friend to her in the beginning why would he be so willing to kill her in castle oblivion? doesn't make much sense, does it? so i shifted over to the idea that naminé didn't mean much to him at first, until he met roxas. he notices how roxas and naminé grow closer and he sort of mulls over the relationship, wondering how two nobodies are able to feel the way they do, and then he sorta gets the idea that naminé means a lot to roxas and grows to care for her later on in the story. the latter sounds more realistic, but it's harder to write and i'm still trying to find my way around it -_-
as for the other story i'm planning to upload later on, the country-ish story with roxas and ven as brothers who run the old family ranch, i haven't really started writing it yet but i really want to. i've got a bunch of ideas for it already - including a possible lemon...but we'll have to see how my maturity will fare with that (mm...barn sex) - and i really need to get them all down before i lose them. i was kind of iffy about it first because i'm kinda getting tired of writing AU stories and want to get back on the IU state of mind, but this idea didn't want to leave. this might be my last AU story for awhile...but then again i still have to update illuminate, and then there's the axel-centric midquel i've already got a couple chapters down for...ugh. this is definitely going to be a problem in the near future...
hopefully when summer rolls around (may-august...thank god post-secondary doesn't go for so long) i'll be able to write more...that is if i don't get my apprenticeship for school by then. the only reason why i was able to update shine every few days was because i was writing that during the summer when i had no school and i had a lot more time.
alrighty, now that i'm finished my talk for today, time for my featured song:

what can i say about this? it's a great song - not exactly seen as a classic since the album was released in 2000, but it's still a great song nonetheless. definitely one of my sunny sunday songs; it's got one of those beats you walk around to on a nice day.

this is a violation.

2009-10-17T11:51:00.007-04:00

"i'm in a constant state of getting cut,
so why don't i feel anything?"

i've only recently noticed that i haven't been updating this lately. i don't know whether it's because i don't have anything interesting to talk about anymore, i'm just a lazy idiot who would rather lie around and do nothing or if it's because i've been tied up with my band and school and what have you. i've made myself promise...myself that i'd try to update this more often because i almost always have something to rant about, and by the time i get access to a computer so i can put all those thoughts down it's usually late in the day and i don't feel like doing it anymore.

so let's see...what to talk about, what to talk about...?

ugh, maybe i shouldn't have drank that coke. my chest feels like it's going to explode.

weird - my itunes is on shuffle and by chance, just when i was going to start talking about 358/2 days xion's theme begins to play. i think she knows...
i actually finished playing the game a week or so ago but i've never really given my analysis or full review of it yet...so i guess that's what i'll be talking about today =)

okay let's just get this straight first - i know a lot of people don't like xion, and it's easy to see why. she was a very last-minute character, another kairi-lookalike that the developers at square-enix just managed to add in a vain effort to quell the worst of the akuroku fandom. obviously their plan did not fare so well - in fact i think it made the akuroku fandom expand. i mean, for those who finished the game or are far into it - there are a LOT of akuroku-ish scenes or moments; even for those who don't support akuroku it's easy to see which parts i'm talking about. so what better than to add a new female character that coincidentally looks like kairi and naminé into the picture?

now don't get me wrong - i liked 358/2 days: the gameplay was fun and the multiplayer aspect of it was something new; being able to play as your favourite organization XIII number was definitely something everyone liked (aside from roxas i found larxene a blast to play as), and of course with every game there comes a few flaws too. the camera controls were kind of annoying, even when i set it to option B - but aside from that i think that was the only thing about the gameplay that irked me.
the storyline, however, i can start ranting about that to no end. despite the fact that xion really is a last-minute character there really isn't a lot of reason to hate the poor girl: i mean, the organization already hates her as it is...why can't people give her a chance? how would you like it if you found out that you were never supposed to BE a person in the first place? what if you weren't supposed to have a real face, a real personality, real feelings? what if you were supposed to just be some kind of laboratory experiment? sure, it's one thing being a nobody - at least you had some kind of an existence before. at least you had a heart and memories of having a heart. when you're nothing but an experiment, however, you've got nothing to cling onto. you were created, not born. you're more of a thing than a person, really.
but the excess hatred towards xion isn't what really bothers me; it's the fact that the developers of square-enix decided to focus on her friendship with roxas and axel that makes my stomach churn. now i'm not saying that she doesn't have the right to be best friends with them; the scene at the end where you see the three having fun on top of the clock tower is endearing and heartbreaking at the same time, especially when she begins to fade away. the thing is, why did they even bother to create xion when there's another main character the developers have yet to shed some light on? you already have sora's story: the spiky-haired, keyblade-wielding hero who's meant to save the universe from the darkness ; riku: the best friend of said spiky-haired hero who momentarily turns to darkness but finds out in the end that his friends are what matters most; kairi: the love interest of the spiky-haired hero that helps him to see through the darkness, even if she isn't physically there; and roxas: the somewhat anti-hero of the series who questions his and the organization's motives and if it's really right to be following them. we've pretty much got a good background of all of them because they're the main characters of the story. we know where they're from, what kind of people they're like and the hardships they had to go through. we practically know them inside and out. when square-enix announced 358/2 days i was psyched, not only because we were going to learn about the organization's prime days but also because there was a possibility of expanding on one of the main characters that we almost know nothing about.
who am i talking about?
naminé, of course!
who can forget about the adorable, somewhat pathetic little girl who messed with sora's memories in castle oblivion? naminé is kairi's nobody - a nobody of a main character, if i may add - yet we know almost nothing about her. the only things we DO know are:
1. she's kairi's nobody
2. she's a special nobody with the abilities to express real emotions and rearrange sora's memories and the people connected to him
3. she's quiet, shy and somewhat withdrawn; she blindly follows her captor's orders in the beginning, but when she realizes she's hurting other people she begins to rebel
4. she's lonely
5. she can be more of a damsel in distress than kairi
we don't know where she came to be, how she got her name, where she was before castle oblivion, and so many other things that square-enix has so kindly left out in the games. the thing about 358/2 days; why did they have to add an entirely new character into the story instead of expanding on an already-existing character? xion's great and all but naminé needs some love too!
speaking of love, ever since the announcement of 358/2 days a lot of people have been hopping onto the roxion bandwagon. now i'm not saying that's a bad thing - if you support the pairing by all means support it - but in my opinion it's basically masturbation, just like soroku and namiri. xion and roxas are practically the same person, so that's basically doing it with yourself, isn't it? but yeah, anyway that's just my opinion - back to the main point...
i don't really know what roxas and namine's real relationship is in the games, but i'm only going to assume it's like sora and kairi's relationship since they are their respective nobodies. i mean, if tetsuya decides that roxas and namine's relationship is a familial one wouldn't it be kind of weird for them when sora and kairi finally confess their undying love for each other? i'm just saying that the possibility of them having romantic feelings for each other are very likely - a lot of people that don't support the pairing only see them as a brother-sister kind of relationship because they've only known each other for like six days or whatever, which is fine and all, but most of those people are either namora or akuroku fans. i'm just giving out a general observation, based on people's comments on fanmade youtube videos - yes, i do my research. i'm in the journalism program at school, after all. haha.
what i really thought should have happened in 358/2 days is somewhat of a forbidden love story between roxas and naminé. yeah yeah, i know what you're thinking: just 'cause i support rokunami means that i'm in dire need for some interaction in between the two. honestly that's PART of the reason why - i'm not going to lie to you - but another part of me is speaking realistically. it makes sense, doesn't it? roxas is sora's nobody, naminé is kairi's nobody; sora and kairi obviously have romantic feelings for each other...blah blah blah i don't want to get into it because it'll just get more complicated from this point. basically i think that if the main plot of 358/2 days was a romeo and juliet thing between our favourite blondes it would make a lot more sense. like, look what they did to xion: they made her best friends with roxas and axel, only to have her completely erased in the end. total waste of character creation, right? her personality develops throughout the story and everything, and in the end she's wiped clean from everyone's memory. what is up with that? not only is that unfair to xion but it's also a bit of a blunder on the developers' parts: they kind of just wasted their own time, when they could've just expanded on naminé's background.
okay, this is what i THOUGHT should've happened: mind you i WILL be writing a story on this so expect it to be up after we're all mad here is completed =D
-naminé means born from the waves; 'nami' means 'ocean wave' in japanese and 'né' means 'birth' in french. not only is this an allusion to kairi's name, this also gives me the impression that she was born on destiny islands. xemnas finds her, just like he did with roxas, and he gives her a new name and brings her over to the world that never was, where he explains everything about the heartless, nobodies, darkness and such.
-sometime later xemnas finds roxas and he joins the organization as the thirteenth member. somehow he and naminé meet and they grow closer as friends...for now.
-now if my memory is correct axel is only present in the game for around 20 or so days before he leaves for castle oblivion...which means that naminé leaves too. this is where the romeo/juliet aspect kicks in and they get seperated, but they promise to be together again in the near future.
-the castle oblivion hoopla happens and naminé meets sora, roxas' other half; he reminds her of roxas and she feels all lonely and such and she feels like a dick for messing around with his memories, blah blah blah you know the story haha
-when axel returns from castle oblivion he tells roxas that no one survived, which obviously breaks the poor boy's non-existent heart
-meanwhile roxas is struggling with his distant memories of sora's past and figuring out what his role is in organization xiii, along with axel and xion's (i'm still including her in the plot since she's now officially a character...i can't just omit her) strange behaviour. he eventually finds out what xion's purpose is and goes out to find her...they fight and before she fades away she tells him that naminé is indeed alive, which spurs him to completely leave the organization and embark on an epic search for his beloved blonde witch!
-he encounters riku and demands to know where naminé is; riku, being his emo self, tells him something cryptic and foreboding and starts a fight. they fight, roxas loses, riku takes him to the mansion where DiZ orders naminé to erase his memories and replace them with fake ones; naminé feels bad but she knows it's for the best...
-and then the game, or story, or whatever ends with roxas spending his first day as a seemingly normal teenage boy in twilight town with naminé solemnly looking on from a near distance *cue utada hikaru's passion*
of course that's a very generalized explanation - when i start writing the story there'll be more stuff squeezed in between but i'm not gonna put all of that stuff in just now. i don't want to spoil the story for you, do i? =) but yeah, that's what i thought should've happened. i don't think xion should be taken away from the plot since i've grown to like her and i don't have the heart to remove her from the story altogether. i guess in a way it'll still be 358/2 days, just modified a little bit so that naminé has more of a purpose in the story.
holy crapola, i wrote a shitload today didn't i? and it's all about 358/2 days too! phew...well, time for my featured song:

amazing, AMAZING band - and they're from my home country too! i'm absolutely in love with these guys - i've seen them live and they give out a hell of a lot of energy. i've featured one of their songs on my earlier entries - we are the sound - which i also think is my personal theme song for organization XIII and the castle that never was. the lyrics just seem to fit with their situation and everything.
this song was one of the first songs i've heard from them - dallas' voice never ceases to amaze me, and george's screaming is so fun to kick around to. i might see them again, along with billy talent and against me - two other great canadian bands - next march. really stoked about that!
okay, i think that's enough writing for one day. i reeeeally need to start writing my other stories...

you're knocking on my windows.

2009-10-16T20:01:00.003-04:00

"take my heart out of my chest,
i just don't need it anymore."

ugh, i hate, hate HATE migraines. if i was ever a superhero migraines would be my kryptonite, or whatever. it feels like there are billions of those thin, toothpick-like sewing pins pressing through the bone of my skull and pricking my brain and the back of my eyes. i don't even know how i'm typing this now without passing out from the pain.
you'd think after so many years of having migraines i'd be used to it by now, but really every time it happens it always feels like the first time. i've been having migraines ever since i was really little - and by really little i mean like four years old, around there - and i've gone through every type of medication you can think of; one doctor even prescribed epilepsy pills for me because apparently it works really well with migraines. i still use them - at least i know i'll be safe from seizures too, haha.
my migraine/epilepsy pills are the two bottles on the left - the instructions are so lengthy and confusing that they had to print a second bottle just to finish it, haha. anyway the migraine/epilepsy pills actually work pretty well - the only catch is that i have to take them BEFORE the headache gets worse. if i feel one coming on then i just pop one of those babies and i should be fine for the rest of the day. of course, being the stupid forgetful person that i am i hardly take these around with me so i'm stuck with my headache until i get home.
the third bottle's full of vicodin. if you're really that bored and want to know why i take vicodin i broke my knee a few years ago while skateboarding - i'm not the safest person to be around - and it's been wonky ever since. when i walk around on it for too long it starts to hurt and i limp around like a peg-legged pirate. the side-effects of the pill aren't that great - you get doped up like a laboratory experiment - but it does take the worst of the hurt away.
of course no one in their right mind should put all of their faith in prescribed little white pills that slurs your speech and slows your movements; it's really all a mind thing. it's kind of like when you see addicts spend thousands of dollars in rehab and medication and substitutes that'll help them get off whatever they're addicted to - you don't really need all of that stuff. checking into rehab and buying a box of nicotine patches is just a way of telling everyone you want someone else to do the habit-breaking for you. it's YOUR problem and not anyone else's, so why are you putting the weight on someone else's shoulder? people quit cold turkey all the time - it's harder than paying for rehab, yes, but usually the results are better for your self-worth and confidence. it's better to say you've won the battle single-handed with a few mistakes in between instead of - in lack of finding a better term - 'cheating' your way out of it. but hey, that's just my opinion - if you think getting help from a support group or a doctor's gonna be a better route for you then by all means get out there and get your help. i'm just saying what's on my battered, pulsating, pain-ridden mind - i can be wrong.
if you didn't figure it out by now my reliance on medication has become the foundation for my current story, we're all mad here. i haven't really made reference to specific medication in the story but the situations i've put in the plot are mostly real - it's what happened to the patients i've spent time with at a mental institution for a few months. what nami's going through...someone else went through the exact same thing. and roxas too - but what he's going through, you're gonna have to find out later on XD
but yeah, enough about that. no one likes hospitals and all that icky stuff. time for my featured song:

trance, anyone? tiesto's the bomb, and the fact that he collaborated with sara quin for this song makes him even better! this song's been stuck in my head for literally two weeks now - and yes, the pulsing beats aren't faring well for my rapidly-expanding migraine but i'm in love with it! now normally i'm not a big trance/techno/dance music fan but i do have the odd favourite song every now and then. if anything i'm more of a house fan - deadmau5 and late night alumni, anyone? awesome, awesome stuff! i've used a few late night alumni songs in a few of my stories - shine in particular - so i recommend you check it out if you have the time!

aaaaaaand i'm DONE for today! time to bash my skull open with a hammer, pick out the parts of my brain that hurt and stomp on them 'till they're nothing but pink and red mush!

were my laces out?

2009-09-19T18:30:00.003-04:00

direct your eyes to the obvious proof.
and puppy dog lies won't sweeten the truth.
i whisper and scream but i can't refute.
it's absolute.

i've been meaning to write this for a really long time but i just didn't have the energy/motivation to do it. now i do, after all these years of keeping it in.
i'm not a huge anime fan - i used to back when i was younger, but now the closest thing i like to anime is video games, mainly zelda and kingdom hearts. being a fan of these for sometime now i've become accustomed to the fandom in both, mainly the tolerance of relationships. it's cool to see that there are many people out there who tolerate same sex relationships - yaoi/yuri, as they like to refer to them - but just like everything else in life, when you overdo something it becomes annoying and overrated. kingdom hearts, in particular, has a lot of yaoi fans and while i don't have anything against that there are a few things i'd like to express my opinion on just for the sake of getting it off my chest.
now kingdom hearts is a shonen-based game, meaning that most of the characters are boys and it sort of has a masculine appeal to it - ironically most of the fans i've talked to are girls, but whatever, that's besides the point. it's only natural for shonen-based games or animes or mangas to have a yaoi fanbase since a lot of girls are into that kinda thing. as for me i don't really have much of an opinion on it - it's in the grey zone for me. like i mentioned earlier if you're into it that's cool - but as long as you don't shove it in everyone's face and degrade anything else i won't chastise you.
let's take akuroku for example. everyone likes a good akuroku fanart/fanfiction - or at least most of us do. i'm only assuming here that most fans - at least the ones i've seen on deviantart and fanfiction.net - are girls; straight, adolescent girls to be more specific. now, i don't know about you but when i think of a yaoi fan i think of a straight, adolescent girl. why? well, isn't it only natural to think that the kind of people who thrive in hot guys making out are heterosexual females? it's the same thing with how guys find lesbians hot, is it not? it goes hand in hand, really.
alright, back to akuroku - i don't detest the pairing, really, i don't. i don't LOVE it but at the same time i don't hate it either. i probably would've been able to tolerate it more if it wasn't in my face half the time, if you know what i mean. to me akuroku is basically the edward cullen of the kingdom hearts fan universe: before when the franchise didn't have much of a fanbase it was tolerable, maybe even likable. but then once it starts getting popular people overhype it and everyone gets turned off. at least that's what happened to me. i dunno about you.
now everyone has their own personal preferences and i'm smart enough not to dapple in that; if you're into akuroku or any kind of yaoi pairing that's fine with me, truly, it is, but if you're one of those people who think yaoi is the best way to go and you have the nerve to say everything else sucks then i'm afraid i'm going to have to step in. it goes the other way too: if you're into het pairings and you think yaoi/yuri is wrong then i'm going to have to object to that too. now i know that if we lived in a world without clashing opinions everything would be a little tedious, but this is going a little too far. people are arguing over the topic of LOVE - people being together for romantic reasons, people being together because they LOVE each other. irony, anyone?
i've been on people's deviantart and ff.net profiles and i've read the most ridiculous things. some are reasonable, i'll admit. some prefer not to read or write yaoi/yuri because it's against their religion, or they were brought up in a way in which they prefer not to like it. that's understandable, and while i can't say i can agree with what they think it's something i know i can't change so i won't touch it. people have their own reasons for liking and disliking things and everyone should be able to respect that. as for others, though, i really wonder what their thought process is like. i read people's profiles and i see things like "HET COUPLES ARE BORING", "YAOI/YURI IS STUPID AND DISGUSTING", "ANTI-AKUROKU; ANTI-ROKUNAMI, ANTI-SOKAI, ANTI-LARXEL, ANTI-ZEMYX", blah blah blah, i think you get the point.
firstly, i'd like to ask this: how are het couples any different than same sex couples? i mean, besides the fact that yaoi/yuri comprises of two boys or two girls there really isn't much of a difference. just because two guys are together doesn't mean they do 'couple stuff' any different than a guy and a girl in a relationship. going out, hugging, making out, whatever - it's all in the same context. love is love, isn't it? whatever happened to believing in that? so i don't know where yaoi/yuri fans are getting that from. the funny thing is that i actually tried to tell a fan that once and they ended up berating me for how 'homophobic' i was. i dunno where they got the homophobia from, but alright, if that's what you think of me then so be it. it's funny how the moment you express your opinion for yaoi/yuri the fans automatically think you're severely against it. c'mon guys, lighten up will you? i never said i was homophobic - i've been in touch with gay people and i have gay friends - so please don't put any words in my mouth. you're not making this any better.
oh, and another thing about yaoi/yuri fans: most say they dislike het couples, yet in real life they're IN a het relationship. if you want to pick a fight it's best to start by NOT contradicting yourself. just giving you a bit of advice next time you decide to bash on another person's opinion. the same goes for het fans that are in a same sex relationship; don't think i'm singling anyone out here.
alright, now for the het fans. in a way it's easier to pick on you guys 'cause the first thing that comes to mind is the big 'homophobia' issue, and like i've mentioned before if that's your opinion then i can't do anything about it. i just want people to know that we're living in a very different world now, much different than the world our parents lived in, our grandparents lived in and so forth. technology is advancing, the environment is suffering and opinions are spreading - people are growing more tolerant to the things they used to find repulsive in the past. racism, for example, has dwindled exceptionally in the past twenty-thirty years, maybe even more (i was never good with numbers). same thing goes with homosexuality, bisexuality and trans-sexuality: it's becoming somewhat of a norm now and people are learning to accept it, which is obviously a good thing. people are people: we each feel, think and go about our everyday lives generally in the same way. we like and hate things as much as the person next to us; we all have social, personal, spiritual, sex, whatever else kind of life you can think of. basically what i'm trying to say is that we're all the same and with the emergence of a new millennium we're finally coming to that understanding. now i don't expect anyone to have their opinions changed from what i just said, but i think i mentioned earlier that all i really want to do is express what i think. i mean, it's a wonder why you're reading this in the first place - it's probably because i forced you to do it, but whatever. you're reading it and that's what matters =)
so in conclusion all i really want to say is that people shouldn't argue about stuff like this. we're all entitled to our own opinions and to challenge others with stupid, dead-end remarks is one of the most childish things one person can do. if you want to cause a scene you better have a good reason for it - i learned that the hard way in high school. bitch at me all you want - like i mentioned before i only wanted to express my opinion, and by having you commenting on how 'closed-minded', 'idiotic', 'biased' or whatever i am only reinforces the point i just expressed a few lines ago. i'm not looking to change opinions, like i've mentioned earlier; i merely wanted to express mine. 'nuff said.
now for a song that's been stuck in my head this past week:

that is all.

i really wanna know

2009-09-01T03:26:00.002-04:00

i don't practice santeria,
i ain't got no crystal ball.

i've been listening to shitloads of ska music lately, and i must say it's been putting me in a better mood - there's just something about the offbeat, high chords and the general positive sound of the music that makes me wanna smile and jump around. it also reminds me of summer - which is ending in less than a week, sadly - so that's a nice touch. taylor, jay and i worked on a few songs on sunday and they coincidentally ended up having ska-ish properties to it: there's offbeat strumming, high string chords and i'm even playing a fuckin' ukulele for one of the songs. it sounded better with one - don't ask me why!
so yeah, back to my new obsession - i've been listening to bands like sublime, less than jake, save ferris, reel big fish, illScarlett (whom i've seen life a few days ago, amazing) and others and it's been helping me amp up for school. starting in a new place with a new program and new people isn't exactly inviting - especially when taylor and jay keep telling me that the people in my program are douches...then again you kinda expect it from journalism broadcast - so at least i'll have some sort of diversion when i'm dealing with everything. plus taylor and jay said they'll be around to bother, so i guess i have them too.
being sick at the end of summer sucks balls - i've got the whole congestion thing going on with the chest, nose and head and it sucks 'cause i'm leaving for new york on thursday morning. i was hoping to have a FUN few days before school starts, but this freaking cold won't go away! ugh...tylenol, don't fail me now...

count the tiles upon the ceiling

2009-08-26T16:13:00.002-04:00

past 3am and i'm still far from sleep,
this is a habit that i can't break.

so my sleeping pattern has been fucked since summer started 4 months ago; there's less than two weeks until school starts up again and i'm still sleeping at 8 in the morning and waking up at 3 in the afternoon. with my mondays and tuesdays starting at eight in the morning plus a 2-3 hour commute i'm SCREWED.
i've been trying to rectify my sleeping pattern by going to bed early - it's lights out from 11-12ish - but i end up just tossing and turning until the sun comes up. i'm so used to sleeping at that fixed time that i'm literally wide awake in the evening, and the bad part about it is that since it's so late at night there's nothing else for me to do but waste time on the computer watching youtube videos and stalking people on facebook. when i actually go out my eyes are like, burning from the sun because i haven't seen it in so long. shit, i'm turning into a vampire!
and then i try the ol' 'stay up a day or two and you'll fall asleep in an instant' trick but i end up sleeping at noon and that just fucks up my pattern even more. this is impossible, really - especially when i'm starting at a new school (fuck you uft, here's to hoping seneca will be better) and i have absolutely no idea where any of my classes are - i'm relying on jay and taylor to tell me everything, haha.
i'd love to get some music on during the night but it'll be hard since everyone's sleeping -_- i've had so many bouts of inspiration lately, especially since i just went to the blink concert on sunday (greatest concert ever, and that's saying something 'cause i've been to a lot already) but the only time i'm awake is when everyone's sleeping, which means i can't play my guitar =( damn you sleeping pattern, DAMN YOU! this is horrible seeing that taylor's been impatient with me for the few days - i promised him i'd show him the new songs so we can practice them on sunday but no, i can't practice 'cause everyone's asleep when i'm awake. ugh. horrible.
i need some drugs to knock me out, asap. even gravol isn't working anymore.

you cut me open

2009-08-07T02:33:00.001-04:00

i don't care what they say,
i'm in love with you.

i'd like to think sometimes that love is just a verb, but then when you're surrounded by it on a daily basis you're bound to think otherwise.
i'm not in love, i've never been in love and i don't think i ever will be, but it's just one of those things that you can't help but think about, just like the meaning of life and the theory of life after death.
the way your heart painfully thuds against your ribcage, the way your hands get clammy and the words you've spent hours perfecting inside of your head just collide in some kind of verbal car crash - it's astounding how all of these things happen at exactly the same time, and how it happens when you see that one person. i don't know if that old theory is true, where everybody is meant for someone else and that nobody should be leaving this world by themselves, but it would be nice if it were true. nobody likes to be alone.
it's different for everybody: sometimes it starts when you're really little, like you're having snacks in the kindergarten room and the only boy who thinks you don't have cooties gives you his last cookie and you can't help but smile as the weird fluttering feeling jumps around in your stomach, even though you have no idea what that feeling is.
maybe it happens later on, when you're on the brink of ending childhood but you're not exactly an adult yet either. you're teetering in between the kid you used to be the and person you think you're supposed to become. you can't control your feelings, your thoughts, your body - everything around you is happening in a fast, colourful, noisy, beautiful blur and sometimes it's hard to just stop and think about just what exactly you did five minutes ago. you see him, her, whoever you think you're going to spend the rest of eternity with and it feels like someone's oversaturated the colour and cranked up the volume - blues, reds, yellows, oranges, greens, purples, pinks and all the other colours you can think of just bleed in and out of focus and the noises, all that feedback buzzing in your ears becomes rhythmic and musical and you dance even though you hate dancing and you've never done it before.
and then the cold, single, deep, unsuspecting stab of heartbreak wedges its way into your chest cavity and you find yourself on all fours in the middle of nowhere, feeling like the floor's going to swallow you whole. your stomach drops and you feel like you're on that first drop of a roller coaster but at the same time you know you're on solid ground. your head feels like it's been stuffed with bricks and your eyes are burning, red-rimmed and glazed over with the hurt, the ache, the pain you wished would never come. it's dark here, the colour's been sapped out of everything and your throat's raw and aching from all that hurt you've been trying to force out of your body that it's nearly impossible to cry for help.
and then you find a new face, and the scorching that's tearing you apart from the inside slowly warms into a soft, gentle, soothing, perfect glow.
it's like opening your eyes for the first time: everything's new and whole to you again. the colours, those wonderful, bright, raw colours come flooding back into your memory and you hear that wonderful buzzing in your ears again, and you're so tempted to dance, so, so tempted but you're afraid you'll look stupid in front of them. what if they don't like the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you look when you're nervous?
they illuminate the ground in which they walk in. you'd give anything, do anything just to see that smile, just to hear that laugh. when they speak their voice is the only thing you can hear - it's the only kind of music you want to listen to. they've impacted you so much, you can literally hear the little bits and pieces of your life shift around you so that it somehow all connects to that one person. somehow it feels like your world has shifted its attention from you to that one person; it revolves, exists around them and for some wonderful reason you like it that way.
it's scary, crazy, amazing, beautiful, frustrating and confusing all at the same time and the greatest part about it is that every time a new day begins you know they'll always be there to make it worthwhile to wake up in the morning. it's a wonder why you haven't developed bipolar yet.
i've never been in love.
but it's nice to think about sometimes.

do you wish to feel complete?

2009-08-04T03:17:00.003-04:00

children roam these empty streets
with lust-filled eyes and jagged hearts.

have you ever had that friend you really did not like, but you hung out with them anyway for reasons you can't think of, even 'till this very moment? sometimes they seemed okay to you, but most of the time it's so easy to pinpoint the hundreds, maybe even millions of teeny tiny faults they have in them it's enough to drive you crazy. why are you still spending time with them? is it because you're too nice to say no?
there's always that one person in your life you wish you never met, yet at the same time you're still keeping touch with them. very, very frustrating.

random thought of the day:
so my dad brings these bamboo wind chimes home from hawaii and decides to put them in the backyard. it's been nearly three weeks since we came home and all i've been hearing at night are those blasted wind chimes. when i close my eyes i can still hear them.
i think the sound will haunt me for the rest of my life.

have i found you?

2009-07-15T20:15:00.002-04:00

"stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere."

my nerdiness is kicking in again with the release of the half blood prince movie today >< but nooooo, i'm the world's biggest procrastinator and i don't have my license, so i can't go see it. godddd. i really need to get my g2 soon or i'm going to kill myself. okay, maybe i won't go that far but i'll probably feel horrible until i actually get off my ass and pass my fricking test...
so i came back from hawaii and california on friday and i'm suffering from mad vacation withdrawal because the weather here is cold, cloudy and rainy.
i bought a ukulele from hawaii but i never actually tried to play it yet because, like i've previously mentioned, i'm the world's biggest procrastinator. i'm supposed to check my schedule for school but, like i've so eloquently said, i'm the world's biggest procrastinator. don't you hate it when you tell yourself that you're going to do something RIGHT NOW, but then for some reason you're holding it off until like...never? i have a feeling i'm supposed to be doing something right now, but i don't know what...

you're a beautiful girl in this horrible world

2009-06-17T05:48:00.002-04:00

look at their eyes,
they always seem to follow me.

so it's ten to six in the morning, and my friend and i were up all night talking about things that scared us. we just came back from one of the best concerts i've ever been to - bedouin soundclash/paramore/no doubt - and we were still wide awake when we got home, so we decided to just chill and chat. we ended up talking about scary things, and it got so intense up to the point where we were too scared to leave my kitchen because we were afraid that something was going to, like, attack us or something. haha.
we talked about how that certain face people make when they're screaming is really frightening, and the sound of an actual blood-curdling scream is scary. maniacal laughter is another bother too, along with the sounds of someone rocking back and forth. you don't even have to see it; just hearing it is scary enough. with that being said i guess the human mind is probably the scariest thing in existence, 'cause it's where all the scary things originate from: the imagination. we think up these things and we get creeped out by it.
another thing that creeps me out is small spaces with no windows. elevators scare the shit out of me; my palms get sweaty and my heartbeat quickens whenever i have to go in one. songs being played backwards are scary to me, like that beatles song. ughhh. just typing all of this out gives me the creeps.

got a lotta heartache

2009-06-04T01:37:00.002-04:00

fuck this place, i lost the war,
i hate you all,
your mom's a whore.

i've never given much thought as to how everything seems to be against you when you're in a bad mood. like what dallas green had so eloquently said, all your friends seem like enemies when you're broken down and empty.
i don't even know what provoked the thought in the first place; i'm not in a bad mood, but i'm not feeling superbly happy either. it's just one of those 'meh' moods - the everyday kinda thing where you're just like...yeah...cool. haha. y'know what i mean?
i'd like to think that the only reason why we're so antagonistic towards the world when we're in a bad mood is because when you get hurt, your eyes close instinctively. haven't you noticed that it happens sometimes? like, when you stub your toe or when you're trying not to cry, you tend to close your eyes. with your eyes closed you can't see, therefore preventing you from seeing the people who are trying to help you. basically you're stuck in the dark, feeling your way through the gloom because you think you're the only one going through it all, when really the people that are willing to pull you out of it are right in front of you.
i guess that's what makes teen angst so interesting these days - we've all gone through it, whether you'd like to admit it or not - especially now that i'm out of high school and i'm seeing everything differently. i wouldn't say i have a more mature way of looking at everything but it's definitely more grown-up than the way i would've looked at it if i was still my 16-year-old self, wallowing in my own self-pity. it's funny how as a teenager you have nearly everything to complain about - school, friends, parents, boyfriends/girlfriends, the annoying kid who sits beside you in homeroom, the works - and then when you graduate and move on to bigger things you look back and laugh at how ridiculous you sounded. whoever thought of the term young adult as another term for teenager? 'cause i don't really see much of a difference between an 8-year-old and a high school student.

my heart belongs to me.

2009-05-21T01:32:00.009-04:00

"i will disappear from this world in 151 days."

there has to be at least one point in your life where you come across something that literally makes you stop. sometimes you hear somebody say something profound, or you walk across a billboard sign with a message so powerful you just had to stop whatever you were doing at the moment just to read it. sometimes you see a piece of art, whether it be a painting, a drawing, a scene from a movie or a theatre production and those few minutes where you're staring into it is just so life-altering you can literally feel the little pieces of your life shift around you as you try to understand just what makes that piece of art so beautiful to you. sometimes you come across a song on the radio, your ipod or the internet and the impact it has on you is so strong you end up listening to it on repeat for the rest of the day. sometimes you're reading a book and the words printed onto the pages fill you with so much emotion you don't know whether to laugh, cry, scream or just stare back in awe.
i went to the ago today with caroline and chris, and being more of a musical person than an artsy person it was harder for me to appreciate the art that chris forced me to stare at for ten minutes at a time. the paintings, sculptures and drawings that i saw today were amazing nonetheless; i can't even dream of replicating something as amazing. it was so easy to see how chris was impassioned about picasso, the group of seven, salvador dali and all the other artists whose work was shown in the various exhibits; whenever he saw a work he recognized from school or something he'd explain full on what it was about and the little technical details about it - obviously i didn't understand a word he was saying, but it was interesting to see how he was so into it. it was easy to hear his love for it in the way he spoke about the various pieces of artwork, and even the way he moved around to look at them - first he'd look at them upclose, and then he'd take a couple steps back to look at it from a different perspective. sometimes he'd hold up his hands to section off a few parts of the painting to look at certain parts more carefully. in the beginning it was a little annoying, mostly because he was talking about something that i had absolutely no knowledge of and every now and then he'd say something about ocad and how his work was so fun in comparison to the work i did in utsc, but then again i can't blame him - he's going to an art school where he gets to do the one thing he loves most - ART! i would've loved to play music all day long, but alas schools will only accept me if i knew how to read music...which i don't. anyway when i got home i was surfing around on youtube when i found this:

and it completely blew my mind. the first time i listened to it i thought it was nothing special 'cause i have the original version of this song, where the main theme just repeats itself over and over again, but then once i got past the minute and a half mark it began to change up a bit, and i was completely blown away. the vibe the song gives off is so heartbreaking - i'm a sucker for strings - and the piano too! it's just one of those things that makes you want to cry in the corner, or walk around in the rain without an umbrella. it's beautifully heartwrenching, and i feel like i can listen to this forever. the recurring theme in the song is sad and hopeful at the same time, as it tells the story of the character the song was created for - roxas. you can sense the despair and the pain he feels when he realizes he wasn't supposed to exist and that he doesn't have a heart, and the hopeful undertones in the recurring theme imply that maybe, just maybe, there will be a happy ending for him. how are you supposed to react when someone tells you that you're not supposed to exist? how are you supposed to feel when you don't even have a heart? are you even capable of feeling? the struggle of discovering a purpose for one's existence and the conflict between wanting to find the truth and preferring to live without it is evident in the contrasting melodies of the song, as it shifts between a despairing tone and a happier one. this has probably got to be one of my favourite classical pieces - i've never been struck by a classical song before, and out of all classical songs this just had to be the one used in one of my favourite video games of all time - kingdom hearts - and it had to be the theme song of my favourite character, roxas.
i guess what i felt when i heard this song was the same feeling chris had when he was in the ago, explaining everything to me and caroline in precise detail and whatnot. to experience something you're so impassioned in, it's an amazing feeling. it fills you up with an emotion so powerful you don't know whether to laugh, cry, or scream, and then your chest feels congested with so much emotion you can feel tears stinging your eyes. one other time i got that feeling was when i watched my first concert: dashboard confessional and city and colour at the molson two or so summers ago. when dashboard came on and sang hands down, oh man...the feeling that rushed through me is indescribable. i just wanted to belt out the lyrics, clap my hands and cry at the same time. it was amazing. like chris and the song i posted a paragraph ago it was so easy to see, or in this case hear the raw emotion emitting from the lyrics and the music, and it was so powerful that it carried onto the audience. that's when you know you've created a masterpiece.
art is such a beautiful thing. i don't understand why there are some people in this world who overlook it. how can you have a world without art?
anyway, if you liked the other promise, another kindgom hearts piece that moved me was:

yoko shimomura is a genius. the way she composes music, it's almost like her songs are sad and happy at the same time.

i will be late, don't stay up and wait for me

2009-05-16T00:52:00.003-04:00

jay and chris wanted to make a 90s-ish playlist to play tomorrow, since they're fags. i first thought it was kinda stupid, but when i started downloading the songs and listening to them i began to reminisce about the good ol' days and now i'm totally psyched, haha. anyway since i have time i've written down the playlist for you. enjoy.
ps: some songs are from the 80s and some are from the early 2000s...but hey, they're all hits, right? hahaha.

the ultimate 90s-ish playlist:
2 brothers on the 4th floor - dreams (will come alive)
2 unlimited - get ready for this
112 - only you
20 fingers - you gotta lick it
ace of base - the sign
aqua - barbie girl
- dr. jones
backstreet boys - get down
-the call
blackstreet - no diggity
britney spears - oops! i did it again
-hit me baby one more time
brooklyn bounce - get ready to bounce
c + c music factory - everybody dance now
chumbawumba - tubthumping
culture beat - mr. vain
dr. dre - still D.R.E
eiffel 65 - blue
the fugees - killing me softly
fun factory - close to you
-i wanna be with you
-take your chance
haddaway - what is love
hanson - mmbop
harvey danger - flagpole sitta
house of pain - jump around
JK - you & i
kardinal offishall - ol' time killin'
kris kross - jump
la bouche - be my lover
LEN - steal my sunshine
marky mark - good vibrations
maxx - get-a-way
montell jordan - this is how we do it
nas - one mic
NSYNC - tearin' up my heart
no mercy - where do you go
the outhere brothers - boom boom boom
outkast - ms. jackson
-the whole world
OPP - naughty by nature
public enemy - fight the power
rascalz - top of the world
real mccoy - another night
-run away
reel 2 reel - i like to move it
s club 7 - s club party
salt n peppa - push it
-let's talk about sex
-shoop
scatman john - scatman
snap - rhythm is a dancer
-i've got the power
snow - informer
sky - love song
spice girls - wannabe
-stop
-spice up your life
spin doctors - two princes
technotronic - pump up the jam
third eye blind - semi charmed life
TLC - unpretty
tupac - changes
- california love
vengaboys - boom boom boom boom
-we like to party
wave - california

this desperation's leaving me overjoyed

2009-04-16T03:18:00.002-04:00

please understand,
this isn't just goodbye,
this is i can't stand you.

do you ever wonder how your favourite artists manage to write such amazing lyrics? i've been listening to no it isn't by (+44) lately 'cause it's been stuck in my head - along with bleeding love by leona lewis...yeah, random i know - and i realized that both songs have very powerful lyrics. the only difference in them is that mark hoppus - the singer and bassist of (+44) - wrote the lyrics himself, while bleeding love was written by jesse mccartney and onerepublic's ryan tedder.
honestly, writing a song is probably one of the hardest things i've ever tried to do. i find it harder than writing an academic essay. at least with essays you can bullshit and you can make it look good by copying and pasting - well not so much when you're in post-secondary but you catch my drift - but if you bullshit in a song it won't sound good. the key to finding good lyrics is finding words that fit with the music itself, which is very, very difficult to do - at least for me. you've got lyrics with simple words that speak in volumes like the beatles' yesterday and coldplay's yellow, and then you've got the songs with lyrics that can be read like a short story, like guernica by brand new and the district sleeps alone tonight by the postal service. both types of songs are amazing not only because they sound good but the lyrics fit so well with it - it's a perfect combination. why can't i write like that?! usually lyrics are written from experience or from something that the songwriter invisions in their head, but i really don't have anything interesting from my experience to turn into a song, and i'm not creative enough to think up of scenarios in my head to draw poetic words from. sigh. oh well.
i'll just write instrumentals. haha.

where fears and lies melt away

2009-04-01T23:27:00.002-04:00

"thinking of you, wherever you are. we pray for our sorrows to end, and hope that our hearts will blend. now i will step forward to realize this wish, and who knows; starting a new journey may not be so hard, or maybe it has already begun. there are many worlds, but they share the same sky - one sky, one destiny."

i really despise the fact that the ending to kingdom hearts II has the ultimately rare ability to make me teary-eyed. don't worry, i didn't cry - now THAT would've made me look like a puss. i hate it when things happen like that; when you watch something so touching that it makes you happy and sad at the same time, and the feeling swells inside you to the point where it's so overwhelming that you can't help but cry about it - or in my case, get all teary-eyed. there are very few things in the world that can drive me to near-tears, and the ending to kingdom hearts II has just done that. mind you, this is probably the 583498234th time i've beaten the game, but this is the first time i've beaten it in a couple of years, so the impact is almost as strong as it was the first time i've beaten it.
anyway, skipping most of the nerd talk, the ending mostly spoke about the strength of the heart, and friendship and all that cheesy hullabaloo, and it got me thinking, like most things do. can the heart be seen as a weapon?
think of it like this: our emotions apparently stem from the heart. happiness, sorrow, fear, anger, all of those things come from the heart. when we hurt others by saying mean things or doing mean things, wouldn't we be channeling that spite through our hearts, since 'meanness' is an emotion?
i find it strange how there are people out there who try to research things that are obviously out of our control, like the workings of the heart and mind. how do you diagnose a mental illness? how do you know if that person is really insane or not? how do you nurse a broken heart? is it so simple to just pick up the shards and piece them back together? being the dominating species of this planet we try to take control over everything, including ourselves, but sometimes it's just not possible to be the boss of everything. the human heart is unpredictable, just as the human mind is. you can't choose who you fall in love with, or what your likes and dislikes are. you can't choose your mental capacity just as you can't choose who your enemies should be. i guess the idea of being in control is comforting to some people, which is why they go great lengths to do so. it still doesn't make any sense to me.

will i shake this off, pretend it's all okay?

2009-03-24T00:23:00.003-04:00

"i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor,
where i laid and told you but you swore you loved me more."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fL5ckQ_A5U

one of the many reasons why tom delonge is one of my heroes. even when he 'grew up' and shook off his immaturity when he formed angels and airwaves, i've always admired him for the things he says and the music he makes, though i think i'm probably more of a hoppus fan when it comes to lyrics. the speech he makes in the beginning of the video is incredible, and though i can't relate to it because i've never really been in love before, it still moves me in some way because there's an emotion to his words, an experience.
sometimes i wish i spoke like that, but i don't have anything to draw knowledge from. my life needs to be more eventful.

one step closer, getting brighter

2009-03-20T03:01:00.002-04:00

wandering through starry skies,
and when tomorrow's day arrives
i'll be a moment closer to
the brightest hour, here with you.

i hate not being able to sleep properly. it's been heckling me ever since i was really little; my mom even told me once that i've been having troubles sleeping when i was a baby.
i guess the perfect way to describe insomnia is how edward norton decribed it in fight club: everything seems so far away and unrealistic, a copy of a copy of a copy. time stretches to amazing lengths and everything moves in a ridiculously slow haze. getting through the night is horrible because you're just sitting alone in your room with the computer screen glaring into your aching eyes and you have nothing to listen to but the eerie stillness of the house. you're so sick of the music on your playlist because you've heard the songs at least a thousand times each and there's never anything worth watching on tv at this time of the evening. you can't play guitar or any sort of musical instrument because there's a risk of everyone else waking up, and you're so dissillusioned and disorientated you don't feel like playing anyway. the internet's even losing its lustre; you can't find anything good to watch on youtube anymore, and all the movies have either out-of-sync audio, or they're really crappy quality. or maybe they're just taking too long to load and you're tired of how slow things have been going for you lately.
enduring the day is just as hard, especially when you've got school or work. your attention and reflexes are shot due to your lack of energy, and homework is simply impossible. the sun hurts your eyes when you first step outside because you're so used to sitting in the dark (or maybe that's just me, i dunno); your friends jokingly refer you to a vampire or a zombie. you lose track of time since there's no need to keep track of it anymore - you're up all hours of the day, so what's the point? when people try to talk to you their words sound like drunken slurs, and you can only mumble back a response because it takes too much effort to talk.
and after a long day of work you collapse on your bed, stare up at the ceiling for a few hours and wait for the cycle to repeat itself.
i guess this is pretty 'early' for me right now - 3am is nothing. i guess the only good thing about not being able to sleep is that i've seen the sunrise numerous times, and not a lot of people i know actually got the chance to. and sometimes the eerie silence in the middle of the night is comforting; when you're so used to the hustle and bustle of everyday life it's relaxing to kind of just sit and listen to particularly nothing.
anyway, the only reason why i decided to write today was because i was in a ranting mood, and clearly i'm finished ranting, so i'm gonna go play mariokart now...with the volume turned all the way down. cheers.

this time i'll do things proper

2009-03-15T14:44:00.006-04:00

"dear you, tonight let's get ahead of ourselves."

thanks for the birthday wishes, everybody! i really appreciate it.
you know, when i first found out i was born on the day julius caesar was assassinated (that word looks so weird...ASSASS...hahahahaha) i was freaking out, but in the good way. i was like, 'whoa whoa i was born on the day somebody died? RAD!' and out of all people, it had to be freakin' julius caesar. my parents named me after him because of this. too bad i don't have as much ambition as he did - i'm one of the laziest people you'll ever meet, i swear.
it's funny how you think you have all the time in the world, and then you blink and suddenly a decade has already passed. people are always telling you to manage your time wisely because you don't have a whole lot of it, and whenever you think about the future you always think that it won't come for a long time. i swear just yesterday i was still in elementary school, huddling in the corner with my friends and talking about pokemon and who hugged who during so and so's birthday party. i never thought high school would come, and i didn't even give college and university a thought, but now here i am ten years later with a diminishing hangover and a lip ring, hoping that seneca@york will accept me so i don't have to slave away at utsc anymore. honestly, i hate uft. i only accepted 'cause my mom wanted me to. in all honesty i really just want to play guitar.
but yeah, back to what i was saying - time passes by way too quickly. i remember being twelve and burning random top 40s music onto blank cds and biking around the neighbourhood during the summer with my friends. i remember running up and down in the gym with my black and silver basketball jersey and trading pokemon and yugioh cards. i remember getting up at eight in the morning on saturdays to watch cartoons and complaining to my mom when she told me to go to bed at ten pm. i remember my typical outfit: baseball cap, t-shirt and jean shorts. i remember running around the field with the boys and learning how to hop fences. i remember piano lessons and how i actually liked it for the first two years, and then begging my mom to quit when the fourth one came around. i remember listening to blink-182 and picking up a guitar for the first time. i remember how i thought how impossible it was to make a d chord. i remember quebec and getting locked out of our own room. i remember how on chris' tenth birthday i was the only girl at his party, and his dad told me that i was the only rose out of the thorns.
now i download and rip music of bands no one's ever heard of onto my ipod. we drive way too fast in our cars just to get to people's houses a few blocks away. walking up a flight of stairs is exercise for me now. pokemon and yugioh are still cool. i sleep at six in the morning and wake up at five in the afternoon. i wear band shirts and a legend of zelda belt buckle. i still run around with the boys and i'm proud of the fact that i'm one of the few girls who can hop a fence. i regret quitting piano and i want to learn again. i'm stoked at the fact that blink-182 is back together and i can't wait for their summer tour. the e flat chord is now the new impossible chord. i returned to quebec this past summer and chugged a vodka cooler and my stomach started to burn. chris gave me a bazillion hugs yesterday even though we still had a couple hours before my actual birthday.
i'm a 19 year old girl who acts and looks like a 14 year old boy - minus the whole horny for poon tang part.
i've spent the past ten years with the greatest friends in the world and i can't wait to see what the next ten will bring us. i'm just scared that if i blink too many times, i'll miss it.

we don't like who we are but we pretend anyway

2009-03-14T03:46:00.000-04:00

is there anybody out there?
is there anybody?

usually i'd take to updating my blog whenever i have something thought-provoking to say, or think, or type, or whatever, but for some reason i just have to get this out. i really don't know why i have to - maybe it's just one of those impulse things.
honest to blog, there's a teeny, tiny, absolutely microscopic part of me that kind of wants to be a parent in the future.
but like i said, it's microscopic, meaning less than one percent...okay actually maybe one percent. or two.
i guess it's the thought of raising a kid with your own values and teaching them to live life properly is kinda interesting, especially when you've already gone through the whole growing-up-and-learning-from-your-parents thing yourself.
so how did this random thought come into fruition? i honestly don't know. i was sitting in class a few days ago, trying my hardest to pay attention to the lecture, when it just suddenly popped into my head:
hey, doesn't the idea of having an offspring of your own sound at least a teensy bit intriguing to you?
weird, i know. it literally just dawned on me all of a sudden, and then i started thinking about names, which actually drove me crazy.
if kids are in store for me in the future, what the heck am i gonna call them?
i literally spent the rest of class coming up with nice names for my future little girls and boys - that is, if they really will exist in the future. i guess for now fantasizing will be okay. i'm pretty sure it's normal for girls (and maybe a few boys too) to pick out names for their dream offspring, or whatever. yeah, i don't wear skirts or fitting clothes but that doesn't mean i'm not a girl. i think about these things sometimes too, you know.
ironically i had an easier time picking out boys' names; for some reason i couldn't think of good enough girls' names. none of them seemed right to me, and then i wondered how hard it was going to be when -if- i actually will have a daughter, and how it's going to be confusing picking out a name for her when her father will probably have different opinions on what a perfect little girls' name should be. maybe it's because of the fact that i'm a girl, and the fact that i don't even like my own name. maybe it's easier for me to pick out a boy's name because well, i guess being a straight human female it would be easier to pick out appealing male names. finding an attractive girl name was definitely a mission and a half.
anyway, the boys' names i settled on were: jackson, jacob and darren. jackson, because i love the name jack, but it sounded more like a nickname than anything so i went ahead with the full thing - plus jackson rathbone is smokin', hahaha. jacob, because it's cute and simple, and let's face it - jake is a pretty hot nickname. darren, well...i'm not really sure why i like it. it sounds so simple and sophisticated at the same time - two completely different things in one package. maybe that's why i like it.
so after picking out my boys' names, i had to wrack my brains for perfect girls' names. believe me, my head was sore by the time i was finished. class was way over when i finally decided. i went through a bazillion names; i even searched some up on the internet so i can see their meanings and whatnot - yeah, bored much? there were a few i liked but didn't actually love, like roxanne, elizabeth, jamie, isabella (but thanks to twilight i'm having second thoughts on that one...) and amanda. i actually was about to be named amanda, but then my parents found out i was born on the ides of march (which is in a day! wooo! legal!) and decided to name me after the dude who made the date infamous: mr julius caesar himself. back on topic though, i liked all of the names i just listed, but for some reason they didn't actually click with me, if you get what i'm saying. i guess it's hard to pick out a name for your kid because once you settle on it that's what they're going to be known as for the rest of their life, and it makes me wonder just what exactly is going on through some parents' heads when they give their kids the most unappealling names - boris, florence, olga, milhouse, fran, fanny...
but anyway, i actually did manage to settle on a girls' name i absolutely fell in love with. it's kind of geeky and random at how i discovered the name (anna i hope you won't disown me for this, but i really like the name and it doesn't have to do anything with the video game whatsoever - i just like the name!): it's from one of square enix's classics, kingdom hearts. like i just mentioned in a little sidenote to my friend, the reason why i chose the name was not because of the video game, even though i am a big fan of it and love it to pieces; it's because it merely sounds fitting. for some reason i'd rather give my daughter an uncommon name instead of my son; again maybe it has to do with the fact that i'm a girl, but i dunno, it can just be me and my wayward thought process.
anyway, if you have no idea what i'm talking about, the name i decided on is naminé - pronounced nah-me-nay. unusual and uncommon, yes, but i like the way it just rolls off your tongue, and the accent thing is pretty badass, you have to admit. i have no idea what it means, but apparently the nami part means 'wave' in japanese, like an ocean wave. i love it - the name, i mean. it just sounds so pretty. why can't my name be cool like that?! i guess if i was a boy my name would be a bit worse - i think i prefer juliane to julius.
wow, this entry ended up running a lot longer than i thought - i really intended for this to be just a drabble of some sort. the human mind continues to baffle me.

can you still feel the butterflies?

2009-03-05T19:21:00.000-05:00

i close my eyes and believe
that wherever you are, an angel for me.

when my dad picked me up from school today he told me that my brother's friend's mom had died last night. she succumbed to breast cancer after nearly a year-long struggle. she had been in the hospital for the past few weeks; she wasn't getting any better.
i never really knew her, but my mom was acquainted with her and she told me that she was a very kind person - the type that doesn't deserve that kind of fate.
whenever something like this happens people always wonder why god punishes the people who don't deserve it. you get all the good ones dying out on you and you're left with the thieves, murderers, radicals, liars, and con artists. it's so hard to find a genuinely nice person nowadays because most of them seem to have either died already or they're in the process of dying. it's like somebody up there doesn't want the human race to improve itself.
i've never really had faith in society. it worsened when i got that seasonal job at toys r us during christmas time; it's unbelievable, how nasty people can be around the holidays. i've never seen so many selfish, greedy, self-centered people packed together in all my life. and then there's just my generation - people born in the 90s - the next ones in line to lead society. you've got bright kids killing their brain cells smoking this and that and passing out drunk on the floor at three in the morning. teen pregnancies and one-sided relationships. tight jeans on boys. girls overflowing with hormones. you've got all the pete wentzs and nicole scherzingers all grouped together in high schools, universities and colleges talking about the next time they're going to get high. facebook and myspace. twitter. ipods and motorola. aritzia. volcom. lululemon. billabong. fcuk. converse. rofl. lmao. wtf. omg.
maybe god, or whoever controls everything isn't punishing the people who don't deserve it - maybe it doesn't even have to be seen as a punishment. maybe he's just relieving the good people of living in this hellhole so they don't have to put up with all this bullshit. he's giving them an early start to living the good life while the rest of us waste away down here. leave the tainted ones to destroy themselves while the goodhearted folk watch and observe from up above.
i dunno. just sayin'.

avant l'ombre et l'indifference

2009-03-04T00:15:00.000-05:00

un vertige puis le silence,
je veux juste une derniere danse.

recently i've been getting a kick out of international artists, specifically utada hikaru, or hikaru utada, whichever you prefer. i have a love for international artists like her because it's always good to get your fill on different types of music, even if it's in a language you're not familiar with. i've recently gotten back into french pop-rock as well, like yelle, kyo and bb brunes. there's a new zealand artist i've been getting into as well - his name is tiki tane, and there's a spanish band i've been listening to called cafe tacvba. good stuff.
for years utada's been trying to jumpstart a career in the states but she's only gotten a small fanbase, which is why she decided to switch over to japan instead, where she's now known as a jpop icon. she claimed that there aren't a lot of asian artists in north america that have gone mainstream, so it's a little harder to break out here. there's a lot of truth to that, and i'm kind of disappointed, seeing that there's a bunch of asians inhabiting the states and canada, and a lot of them are talented musicians. youtube stars like gabe bondoc, passion and david choi aren't getting enough recognition in the entertainment industry when they clearly should - have you seen their videos? i can't even dream of playing and singing as well as they can.
i guess one of the many reasons why utada hasn't been successful in the western world is because of the way her music sounds, but i don't mean that in a bad way - it's very poppish, and the lyrics are kinda weird, which is partially because they're a 'translation' of the original japanese version. the beauty of music lies in its lyrics, and you can only experience the full impact in its original form, including the language it's been written in first. you can listen to a song in a different langauge and not understand a single word of it, yet it can drive you to tears. it can sound beautiful to you though it's in a language you don't understand. if you try to translate it into a language you do understand you're taking away its meaning - just because you understand it now doesn't mean it has the same meaning when you listened to it in its original language. you can't ever really get an exact translation, and the music just doesn't sound the same when it's translated. take utada's passion and its english counterpart, sanctuary. if you translate the lyrics in passion, they're completely different from sanctuary, and when you listen to both her voice in passion sounds better. her newest english single, come back to me, is one she written solely in english and it's pretty decent; the lyrics are kinda corny though, which is probably the only fault in her english music. one of the lyrics goes as such:
i wish that i could photoshop all our bad memories
'cause the flashbacks, oh the flashbacks
they won't leave me alone.
ehh, 'photoshop all our bad memories' could definitely be replaced with something more practical, and flashbacks...well i guess it isn't as bad as the photoshop thing, but that could be switched around too. it's funny because utada was born and raised in new york, and you'd think she'd have a better grasp on western contemporary music - i'm not saying she doesn't; the music is great and her voice is spectacular, but the lyrics can use a little work. the key to making a good song is to write meaningful lyrics that come straight from the heart, and of course a melody that can entertwine with it. she already sang a remix of neyo's do you on the japanese release of because of you and it sounds amazing; i think it sounds better than mary j blige's version. she also sang covers of the carpenter's close to you, bart howard's fly me to the moon, u2's with or without you, ah ha's take on me and green day's boulevard of broken dreams and she sounds great in all of them. it's definitely possible that she can be successful in north america with a talent like hers - she just needs to step it up on the lyrics a bit, haha.
her new english album, this is the one, comes out on march 24th, i think...and i think i'm gonna get it. it's gonna be different than her past english albums; she primarily focused on dance and pop, but on this album she's veered into a more r&b-ish sound, which is evident in her newest single, come back to me. i advise you all to listen to it, because it's a really good song - corny lyrics, but great music.
besides utada, i am currently in love with kyo, a french pop-rock band, and their song une derneire danse, which is primarily why i've pasted a few lyrics of it at the top of this entry. listen to that too! it reminds me of a slower version of sugarcult's pretty girl, somehow. haha. this is one band i definitely don't want translated - french music sounds great in french, thank you very much.
maybe i should try and learn french again...being canadian i should be able to speak at least one or two sentences in french but after being forced to take french for nearly ten years i've grown disillusioned of it. why didn't i pay attention in class? now i'm regretting not learning another language. french sounds so awesome when spoken fluently too. maybe i should get one of those 'learn french' mp3 things and i can listen to it while i sleep, like in dexter's labratory, ahahaha. i'm just scared the thing will break and i'll spend the entire day muttering omlette du fromage. but sears, i think that should be one of the things i have to accomplish before i die: learn my birth country's second native language. then i can feel cool because i'm bilingual. hahaha. sigh.

i hate, hate, hate your guts

2009-02-24T19:21:00.000-05:00

"i hope this song touches you like your father does."

so i have an ear infection - i got it on sunday while taking a fucking bubble bath.
yeah, a bubble bath.
here's the lowdown: it was sunday evening with a few hours before the oscars and i'm bored out of my mind because i have no life. so i was sitting in my room, wondering what i could do to kill the time before the awards came on, and then it hit me:
why don't i take a bubble bath? i haven't taken one in so long...
so being the cool person that i am i dig through the cabinets in the bathroom to find some bubble bath mix, and i pour the shit into a tubful of water and hop in. it was probably the most relaxing 45 minutes i have ever had in years, seriously.
but then when i get out, i realize that i can't hear out of my left ear. somehow water had gotten into it, and now i feel like half of my head is underwater.
a day passes and my head starts to hurt, so my mom gives me this oily shit and tells me to put five drops in twice every day - it's supposed to stop the infection or something. so i do that, and the pain intensifies, and i still can't hear properly.
yesterday i had an hour before i had to leave for school so i decide to play a bit of guitar. of course, being half deaf, i can strum the chords properly but i can't hear myself sing at the same time, so i'm guessing i sounded pretty bad. off-key singing to me is just like nails against a chalkboard.
today, when my parents came home my dad took me to the doctor. the doctor said that it's just your regular ear infection and that if i keep taking those blasted drops i should be fine in a few days. at least it's nothing serious, but those drops are a killer. what the hell is in it anyway? it feels like dropping sulfuric acid into my eardrums.
oh well. i guess i won't be singing any time soon...but i can still play guitar, i think. it sounded on-key to me...

anyway, who watched the oscars on sunday? if you didn't that's okay - i'm like the only person i know who watches the entire thing anyway, haha.
kate winslet FINALLY won best actress, after 39847239487239 past nominations. she totally deserves it - i saw the reader a few weeks ago, and it was amazing. that brit sure knows how to act, and she uses nakedness to her advantage (for those who don't know she appears nude in nearly all of her movies) - work it, girl!
and of course the late heath ledger took best supporting actor, and the speech his parents and sister gave was touching - there wasn't a dry eye in the house; even brangelina was crying!
and i've officially added hugh jackman to my list of celebrity crushes (others include tom delonge, edward norton, gerard way, brad pitt, ewan mcgregor, jackson rathbone, dallas green, and many others that i can't think of at the moment) because he was probably the best host thus far - actually he's right up there with ellen degeneres from last year, haha. his opening number with anne hathaway was great, and the whole 'the musical is back' thing was superb too, minus the zac efron, the vanessa hudgens and the lipsyncing beyonce. even seth rogen and james franco reassumed their roles as saul and dale to perform in a small comedy skit! great stuff right there. slumdog millionaire won a billion awards, including best picture, which was expected, and curious case of benjamin button won quite a handful as well. both are great movies, which i recommend to everyone, and they deserve it!
all in all, pretty good ceremony this year - expected it to be a little bleak because of the recession, but they recovered nicely. they showed a brief preview for movies coming out this year, and it only makes me more excited for half blood prince =) go harry potter!

i never thought i'd die alone

2009-02-12T22:02:00.001-05:00

never conquered, rarely came,
sixteen just held such better days.

okay i haven't been sixteen for almost three years but that's besides the point. ever since blink's reunion i've been listening to their music nonstop. shh, i know i'm a freak =)
anyway, i just finished reading what i now consider one of my all time favourite books (and this is saying something 'cause i'm really not a fan of reading), which is the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky. i have no idea how to pronounce his last name.
the book's about this social outcast named charlie who's just about to start high school. the narration style is different in the sense that the book is written in a seires of letters to an annonymous individual that charlie only addreses as a 'friend' - in fact he opens every letter with 'Dear friend'. the book depicts the events of his first year of high school and the highs and lows of being a freshman: love, friendship, sex, drugs, family, the crevasses of your own mind, y'know...the typical adolescent stuff. i'll be honest with you: charlie pisses me off sometimes 'cause he's a bit of a crybaby but other than that a lot of the things he says are eerily relatable. i guess everybody's high school experience is somewhat similar; it's just the finer details that are different. another great aspect of the book is the fact that its set in the early 90s - '91 and '92 to be exact - and charlie makes references to great music, so that's a bit of a treat. the rocky horror picture show is kind of a big deal with the book's setting too.
if you're looking for a good coming-of-age story, i think this book's perfect. or maybe i'm just saying this because i don't read much and i don't really know any other books, but that's okay. i really liked this book. haha.

bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody.

2009-02-10T19:38:00.000-05:00

i haven't been this scared in a long time,
and i'm so unprepared, so here's your valentine.

okay i know this is a couple of days late, but BLINK-182 IS BACK, BITCH!
and while i am aware that some of you do not care, i'd have you know that blink is one of my ultimate favourite bands of all time, aside from gorillaz, jimmy eat world, city and colour and my chemical romance. the only difference that sets blink apart from the bands i just previously mentioned is that blink is the first rock-orientated band i have ever listened to, and they were the inspiration behind me picking up a guitar. before i found out about blink i listened to extensively hip-hop, rap and r&b - not saying that it's bad music; i still love hip hop, though the mainstream stuff's a little overrated now - it's just that when i found blink, i found the genre of music i would be associating myself with for probably the rest of my life. by the time i started listening to blink i had already quit the piano, and when i first heard the chunky distortion of tom's signature strat i knew i found my instrument. actually, i installed the same bridge humbucker pickup that tom used in his fender strat into my current guitar, the seymour duncan invader. sounds almost exactly like his =P
anyway, blink broke up nearly four years ago - i was just starting high school at that time, and when my best friend and i found out we were crushed, totally devastated. blink was such an integral part in our lives; they showed ue that singing toilet humour-orientated songs can bring a big difference to the world, and that it's okay to laugh at yourself. they did all the things we wish we could do deep down on the inside, whether it's running around in public naked or expressing your desire for oral sex through song. they weren't always joking around, though; they also wrote songs about usual teen angst, songs about being the typical loser in high school and songs about heartache. a lot of teens can relate to their songs if they only took the time to listen to them. the breakup was taken hard by millions of fans around the world - jay and i even signed a petition to bring them back.
our prayers weren't answered until just a couple days ago, on february 8th 2009 - together again, mark, tom and travis presented the grammy for best rock band at the grammys, and announced that they were indeed back together. i'm not shitting you right now; when i first saw that i almost yelped in joy. jay and i spammed each other on msn, exclaiming our excitement - the 13-year-old outcasts in us were whole again. just yesterday we went on the official blink website and found out that they were in the process of recording a new record and they were planning a world tour. obviously, jay and i are going to grab tickets at the first opportunity. it's been a dream of mine to see blink live - and jimmy eat world too - and hopefully it will come true this summer, when they kick off their tour.
so there you have it: my self-professed love for the band that changed my life forever. haha. to be honest with you i've got the hots for tom (if you look at him it's easy to see why) and i'm in love with mark's lyrics. travis is a god on the drums, and when you blend the three of them together they create musical history - a very humourous musical history. here's to blink-182 and their reunion - you better not break up anymore!

my dreams, they come a kissin'

2009-02-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

"love forever, love is free,
let's turn forever, you and me."

thanks to one of my classes i've rekindled my love for gorillaz. awesome, awesome band, even though they're animated.
and what's even better, their creators - damon albarn and jamie hewlett - are in the process of making a new album. apparently they already started, and they released demos of three songs. i listened to them, and they're pretty interesting. lots of electronica going on; i think i'm going to like the new content. they released a new picture of murdoc though, and he's looking a little...old.
so anyway, out of boredom i was surfing around fansites and reading up info on gorillaz to see if anybody knew anything about the upcoming album, and i found a page of quotes. 2D was never the brightest one in the band (in fact he's pretty far from bright) but sometimes he does have pretty insightful things to say. i managed to stumble upon one of this quotes, and now i think they're one of my favourite quotes of all time:
"Remember when you were a little kid and you would look up at the clouds in the sky as the sunlight bounced off them? And, something that simple would make you feel a part of everything and all alone at the same time. And that feeling’s not something you can ever put into words. So you spend your whole life chasing it: making music, taking pictures, praying, whatever, in the hope that other people will understand that sense or feeling. As creative entities, we look for signs of life outside ourselves, for a connection to alleviate the sense of solitude, that’s why we all do what we do, whether we know it of ourselves or not."
interesting, huh? goes to show that my theory was kind of right: everyone pines for some kind of acceptance. the yearning to be appreciated is a common trait between all of us, and like 2D so eloquently said, some of us aren't even aware of it - or maybe we just won't bring ourselves to admit it. creativity and the imagination has that downside: you yearn to express yourself through a creative outlet, whether it be music, drama, art, writing, whatever - and you want people to look at it and appreciate your work. you want people to look at it because you want them to relate to it; you want them to relate to you.
when you're hit with inspiration you often just pour it out onto whatever it is you pour your inspiration into, whether it be paper, a canvas, the stage, or an instrument - you seldom question the actual feeling itself. it's always the same when it happens; excitement rushes through you and your brain's wracking through different ideas and methods for you to use this sudden burst of creativity. you never ponder on why it makes you feel this way, or why it compells you to do whatever it is you do. but you do it anyway, and usually the end result is something beautiful, completely unique. that's the greatest thing about art - you have the right to claim it as your own if you created it.

everybody wants to be understood

2009-01-30T14:35:00.001-05:00

if silence keeps you
i will break it for you.

my inner nerd has decided to show itself in the past week or so, 'cause i've been spending most, if not all of my time on my wii, replaying twilight princess.
i am such a loser. haha.
i need to do something more productive with my time, like reading for school or some shit like that.
meh.
and what's even worse, thanks to the new simpsons episode (and jay, ugh i hate you so much haha) i've been listening to josh groban all weekend - well actually i've only been listening to two of his songs, which were featured in the episode: you are loved and so she dances. i don't know why this is happening to me, goddammit.
i already sound nerdy, so i guess it won't hurt to write an entire blog based on my thoughts of legend of zelda, aka one of my most favourite video game franchises in the world.
it's funny when you play rpg video games like these: in LoZ's example, you play this guy named link, who came from humble origins and suddenly finds out that he's some kind of 'chosen hero by the goddesses' to save the land from tyranny. so he triapses around the land, solving difficult puzzles and defeating big ugly monsters, and along the way he collects cool artifacts and powerful weapons. eventually he beats the bad guy who started this crap in the first place and ends up becoming the saviour of the land. he rescues the princess, who had been locked up in this lonely tower with nothing but an old bed and a pretty nightstand, and everything becomes safe again.
and what does our hero get in return?
you watch the end credits, just hoping that something will happen - c'mon, after risking your life to save a girl you hardly know, it'd be natural to expect a little somethin' somethin' in return - and you end up with a pretty background and the words THE END in large orange capital letters.
WTF? no action? c'mon, i fuckn' stuck my neck out for you in the wilderness for god-knows-how-long, while you were all nice and warm and cozy in your tower, and i don't get jack?
to make things worse, in twilight princess there are two other girls that link makes himself acquainted with: he has a childhood friend named ilia who loses her memory, but regains it in the end, and midna, the twilight princess who accompanies link on his journey.
and even after all is said and done none of these girls give link what he deserves.
as caroline wilson so eloquently said:
"i saved hyrule for you, so where's my fucking blow job?!"
zelda (the princess who was locked away in the tower) is pretty damn fortunate that link hardly talks, 'cause sears, if he ever did...ohhhh there would be hell to pay.
i'm not saying this to sound like a perv or anything, but honestly, if you were in his shoes - you're traveling the fuckn' country day and night, spending most of your time in creepy-ass dungeons solving riddles and knowing that there's some kind of monster lurking over your shoulder - you would want some credit for it; a simple 'thank you' would suffice, or a peck on the cheek, but honestly...you gotta cut the poor boy some slack!
it's a sears bitch move to order a guy to save the world for you, only to wave him off in the end - even in more modern terms, it's still a bitch move. you tell somebody to do something for you, and to not thank them when they do it is just impolite. is acting out of propriety the in thing now? sighhh.
okay i think i'm done my nerdy rant. i'm gonna go play zelda now.

i only see my dreams in everything i touch

2009-01-20T18:36:00.000-05:00

when we fall in love,
we're just falling in love with ourselves.

okay, before i get on with my usual rambling, time for a funny ssbb screencap i found on deviantart:
clickety click!
*dies of laughter* okay, i'm done.

happy inauguration day to the brothers and sisters from the south - may the next four years induce a positive change on not only the states but the rest of the world. as most of you may know north america's going through some shiteous times, economically speaking and politically speaking. president obama promised america that he will make amends to the mistakes we have made, but then keep in mind that while he does seem like a great guy, he is still a polictician. i'm not saying that he's making empty promises, but it's always best to be wary.
i managed to watch a bit of the ceremony before i left for school today; his speech was pretty short for a presidential address, only around 20 minutes or so (which is good for all of us lacking in lengthy attention spans) but it was filled with a lot of important points, like how he's aware that the country's going through some rough times but it wasn't like they came out of the blue - the people are partly responsible for the economic downfall and stuff like that, and there's the war and everything, blah blah blah politics and other things like that. i was watching his on cnn by the way, and sometimes i flipped to global just to see what my fellow canadians thought of the whole thing viewers' comments scrolled along in a marquee at the bottom) and they all said basically the same thing, about how they're inspired and how they're hoping that barack obama will change the world for the better and such. in a way it's touching to see that canada will also be affected by obama's decisions, but it can only go so far, right?
okay, so obama's the first black guy to be elected president - of the united states. clearly that is history in itself, and i won't deny that. the obama-mania is infectious to the point where canadians and even other people on the other side of the world are reveling in the fact that this guy is now leading one of the most powerful countries. i have friends and family that are excited about this change and some even expressed desire to travel to washington to attend the ceremony. that's great and all, but what about our own country? not just canadians, but other people around the world are focused on what obama's going to say, or what he's going to do next. it's like they've almost completely forgotten that they don't live in america.
my fellow canadians, i think it's about time we stand up for ourselves. let's face it, our prime minister isn't doing so hot, and the election last year wasn't even necessary; the other candidates weren't even prepared for it. you've got to admit that that's a little pathetic - the liberals and the ndp practically embarassed themselves, and then there was that talk of them banding together to overtake the government? this isn't a game of capture the flag.
but yeah, basically what i'm trying to say is that we need to boot our douche of a pm and step up for ourselves. the other candidates - liberal and NDP - aren't that hot either; i mean what was that and the whole 'we're banding together to overthrow the government' crap? bold, yes, but totally unrealistic. it sounds like an overused plot for a bad movie.
i was never one to speak out about politics but after seeing the whole craziness with obama it made me realize that canadians are focusing too much of their time on things that don't directly affect them - it's about time we started caring about our own country, naw meeeeen? let's comb through our people and find somebody that might actually be suitable for the job!

this couldn't be more unexpected

2009-01-15T00:35:00.000-05:00

on account of my transgression,
will you welcome this confession?

i never thought i'd be writing about this, but i was reading a short story and it sparked something. of course i couldn't let it go, even if it's on something as trivial and vague as this.
so there are about 6 billion people living on this planet, correct? i don't know, i was never good with numbers, so don't chastise me if i'm way off or something. everybody that has ever come to existence, whether they'd rather show it or not, is capable of feeling. we are engineered to be emotional, though some are more external about it than others. we are inclined to feel sad, happy, angry, scared, enlightened, and whatever other feelings exist. each emotion instills something within us - it starts off small and swells up inside of us like a bubble, until it completely engulfs us.
there is one feeling, however, that does not act like a bubble.
instead of swelling, it scorches.
sometimes it's like a raging, burning inferno - it clears everything in its path, ravaging your insides and licking the walls of your defenses until they completely disentigrate. it rids you of your senses, your securities, your common sense, and though you know it's dangerous you're struck dumb by its beauty as it whirls around you in an array of colours, capturing you in a hot, hazy trance. it causes your knees to buckle and your fingers to tremble - your heart always feels like it's going to explode. it's far more addicting than any drug and deadlier than any plague, but you yearn for it anyway. it has the terrifying ability to destroy you and rebuild you in an agonizing cycle, repeating the process over and over again until you are unable to feel anymore pain because you are totally devoured by it - you rise from your own ashes, only to be swept away again.
at other times it's more like a soft glow - a beacon to light your way when all other lights have burnt out. you see the world through a new pair of eyes, eyes that have never been opened before. you see the beauty in even the most imperfected things, and your senses become more attuned to your surroundings. your life circles around that perfect flicker of a flame, and it becomes the sole reason for you waking up every morning. you breathe, eat, speak, exist for it, and you would go at all lengths to protect it.
everybody belongs to somebody - nobody will ever go on without another person that is destined to fit with them. the only reason why there are so many that have passed on without somebody by their side is because they haven't been searching hard enough. we are not like magnets, who automatically seek out and snap together once they have found their matches.
one day you will find somebody that makes you stop.
there will be somebody for you that makes you feel like you're the only two in the room, though you're surrounded by hundreds of other strangers. you'll feel like you're drowning and your lungs will be screaming for air even though you're nowhere near deep water. time will disappear and every spectre of colour will be visble when you lay eyes on that person - the world is less problematic when you look at them.
to you they are perfect; you pay careful attention to every detail, down to the way they walk or the way their mouth takes a certain shape when they smile. they hold your very existence in their eyes.
many things wear down with time, but love does not. it does not corrode or age; it does not wither and shrink, but of course there's a possibility it can die if it's constantly neglected. all good things in life take work, and love is no exception, but when cared for properly, it lives on forever, and that's something that a lot of things cannot do these days.
nobody is incapable of loving another, and nobody is really destined to wander alone forever. i don't believe it when they say that good things will come to those who wait - you need to find the initiative to go out and search for the things that you want. waiting for the right one will only result in failure; you gotta do some of the work yourself, you know.
there is no such thing as a lonely person - only people that do not look hard enough.

ambition makes you look pretty ugly

2009-01-03T16:35:00.000-05:00

would you please stop the noise? imtryingtogetsomerest!
from all the unborn chicken voices in my head.

so i just watched revolutionary road - pretty good movie, but i admit that it isn't as great as benjamin button.
revolutionary road touches more on reality, i guess. it kind of gives you the sense that even a perfectly happy suburban couple living in a nice white paneled house with coloured shutters, a long driveway, a shiny new car and a perfectly manicured garden can secretly be the most miserable people in their neighbourhood.
from a young age most people are made to believe that they are special - they are a unique individual that nobody else in the world can imitate. we are filled with such fantasies that feeds our egos, our sense of individuality.
really though, it's all a sham.
have you ever seen fight club (one of my favourite movies of all time)? there's a scene where you can hear brad pitt shouting:
"You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
as sad as that may sound it's painstakingly true. the thought of living an ordinary life obviously scares the shit out of a lot of people - c'mon now, who really wants to be classified as ordinary these days? people go all out to be a beautiful, unique snowflake - boys are wearing tight jeans that result in erectile dysfunction and girls at the age of twelve are already sticking their fingers down their throats. people are injecting chemicals into their faces and silicone into their bodies. their faces are caked on with layers of makeup; their necks reek of expensive perfume. they're plagued with marijuana, cocaine, ecstacy, shrooms, dust - anything that has ever existed. people want to be cool, to be hip, to be different from everyone else when in reality they're all just a pathetic mirror image of each other.
the thought of living life in a straight line bothers everyone because it seems so mundane, so colourless. a married couple, while they are living their lives together, they think apart. they still retain their different opinions and attributes - he wants that, she wants this, he doesn't want her to do that, she hates it when he does this, blah blah blah. the strive to do something out of the ordinary is what brings people to their demise. some people try too hard to be what they envision themselves to be, and they end up destroying themselves and the people that care about them. the want, the need to make something of themselves can tear anybody apart, even if they do look like a perfectly joyous married couple living with their equally joyous children in the nicest looking house in a typical north american suburban neighbourhood. things only seem so polished and reflective on the surface.

bones sinking like stones

2009-01-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

oh, all that i know, there's nothing here to run from,
'cause yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

so i just came back from watching the curious case of benjamin button. fuckn' long movie but it's also probably one of the saddest i have ever seen. how do you deal with aging backwards?
it's hard enough growing older and letting parts of you wear out, but what about growing younger and watching yourself become more and more inadequate? when you meet with that person you know you're destined to be with, how much does it hurt to realize you've only got a certain amount of years before time begins to pull you apart?
you begin separated, then you meet in the middle, and then you part ways once again.
at least once in your life you'll meet someone who leaves a dent on you, like what benjamin button says himself. maybe you'll only interact with that person for a few short minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or years but in the end when you part your heart aches for them to return to you because they've managed to wedge themselves into you - they've become a part of who you are.
i was once very good friends with a girl in high school - we met on the most unusual circumstances. i really don't remember the finer details but i think a friend and i were fighting over something ridiculous, and she invites that girl into our conversation to try and straighten things out. i think that was how we started talking. it was around my first year of high school when that happened, but we never started talking until the beginning of our second year. we talked a lot about random things, some personal and some just because we had nothing else to think about. she was one of those friends that you can talk about anything - the kind of person where you can just sit beside each other and not say a word but it doesn't feel awkward at all. there was one conversation we had in the beginning of our last year where we hoped we'd get into queens together and become dormmates - looking back on that now i realize how childish that wish was, even though that only happened a little over a year ago.
it really is a shame that things don't last. i've mentioned in my new years' post that i have done a lot of things that i am not proud of, and these little imperfections was what pulled us apart. sometimes opposites attract and make people the best of friends, with bonds so strong that not even time could break it, but in many other situations it's people's differences that divides them.
opinions and personalities seem to be clashing more than melding together, and things ended on a very bad note. it was a rough few months before i realized that there was no point in getting angry and sore over it anymore, because whatever happened was in the past and it doesn't matter.
but as time went by and my anger over it dissolved, i realized how wrong i was.
some of the things i do are reminiscent of her - i think a little more before i do things (though not a whole lot, but it's still a big improvement) and i don't act out as much as i used to.
before we became friends i was a sporadic, out-of-control, foulmouthed, arrogant...well you get the picture. before we became friends she was quiet, reserved, self-conscious and insecure. the closer we grew the more our personalities rubbed off on each other - i calmed down while she opened up. if it weren't for our friendship i wouldn't be the person i am now, and that's something i will never forget.
i've met a lot of people that have left pretty deep dents in me, but this particular person has left one of the biggest.
life is full of the most unexpected things and you can't prepare yourself for most of them 'cause you don't know when it's going to come to you. the best you can do with what's given to you is to figure out what to do with it when it comes, even if it is something as unusual as aging backwards, or meeting someone that's literally your exact opposite.
i hope that whatever comes to you next will be something that will stay with you forever.
"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit…start whenever you want…you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
-benjamin button

you don't ask for no diamond rings

2009-01-02T02:09:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-D8yV_klm4
dallas green, you are my saviour.
honestly, i can be dying of a terminal disease, and i take one listen to your music and i will be completely cured. your voice and your musicianship really does wonders when they work together. i'm so glad i was able to see you in concert.
love, love, LOVE this guy.

AWKWARD.

2009-01-01T14:36:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nPeTfeFALk
college humor sums up my holidays.
i've been watching them all month long, thanks to ej.
when i get thrown into the corporate working world, this is the kind of job i'd love to have: fuckin' around, not making any sense and getting paid for it! hahaha.

on and on the rain will fall.

2008-12-31T02:20:00.000-05:00

for all those born beneath an angry star,
lest we forget how fragile we are.

adults nowadays tend to look back at their teenage years and most of them recall their high school years as being one of the worst moments in their lives.
being an adolescent is trivial; you're no longer a child but you're not an adult yet either, so what are you supposed to be? you're constantly plagued by that feeling of being stuck in between two extremes, and you feel like you don't belong in either category.
you look at the high school 'scene' and you complain about how all the kids look the same, yet they all claim that they're an individual of some sort. well, if you look at the high school community over the course of recent history you can see that nothing really has changed, except for pop culture and fashion sense.
in every decade it's almost obvious to pinpoint that one of the major problems in high school is dealing with that feeling of wanting to belong somewhere. it's a human trait to crave acceptance; we all want to feel like we're loved, that we're part of something. why do you think people form clubs and teams? people unite with a similar interest to express themselves through that interest. that single interest that binds them together makes each and every member of that club or group or whatever feel like they belong, because they have found people they can relate to. in high school, you see that the cafeteria is packed with different cliques, each with their own style and personality. ironically each clique thinks they're unique, even though every member dresses and acts exactly the same.
many cliques try not to clash with each other - for instance sometimes people won't wear a certain article of clothing because apparently everybody else wears it. a friend of mine doesn't like amy lee because his friend played bass for her during ozzfest one time and he told him that she was a bitch. that one piece of information immediately makes him dislike her, though he has admitted to me that he acknowledges the fact that she indeed does have talent. influence is a strong...er, influence in our everyday lives, unfortunately. our actions and decisions may well be based, no matter how unconscious it may be, on the influence of someone close to us, like a family member of a friend. whatever happened to doing things simply because you wanted to do it? does it really matter if everyone else is wearing the same oversized scarf as that guy in that overrated teeny-bopper band? will it be the end of the world if someone caught me wearing the same brand of sunglasses those rich valley girls from that so called reality show wear? it occurs to me that people simply think too much of what other people think of them; self-consciousness has taken an entirely new level.
influence is obviously a big part in an adolescent's life, as you have probably seen, or most likely even experienced for yourself once upon a time. they focus primarily on what they can and cannot do, depending on the clique they fit in with. outward appearances make the impression nowadays - it doesn't matter what you're really like. no one bothers to dig deeper because they're afraid they'll find something they won't like. nobody knows what to do in those kind of situations anymore, so they just ridicule you.
that's what happens when you don't fit in, or when someone picks out some kind of flaw within you. they mock you, they grind you to the bone for it. it's unnessecary and they know it, but they do it anyway for the sake of something to do, because they want to shy away from the limelight. they want to let everyone know that you're the one that's different, and not them. isn't it ironic how being different is the reason why kids are being teased for these days - well i mean kids were always being teased for being different, but the word different has been redefined over and over again. i guess conformity's the new in thing.

running to the future.

2008-12-30T23:50:00.001-05:00

sometimes its hard to keep on running,
we work so much to keep it going.
don't make me want to give up

i want to get this down before i'm too intoxicated to do so, haha.
so 2008, you had your ups and downs, but what kind of year isn't like that?
really, if everything was just either or, life wouldn't be so exciting. if everything was perfect and lacked the obstacles we work so hard to overcome, there would be nothing to expect out of life, and we wouldn't have the drive to keep moving forward because we know every day will be almost exactly the same. sometimes you need to have a few bumps along the way to truly appreciate what you have.
though it really doesn't look like it, i feel like i've done the most growing this year, and no, i obviously don't mean physically, hahaha. i feel like i know more, and that i know where i belong. i've gone through everything with the greatest people i have ever known, and i hope that our paths will continue to run side by side as the future approaches. some of you i have known for nearly a decade now, and i truly appreciate the fact that we are still good friends and that we still set time for each other. you guys are the most awesome people i have ever met and i wouldn't trade you for anyone else.
to those of you who i no longer speak to, or to those i have simply drifted apart from, i hope that life will treat you well and that this year has been as educational and fulfilling as it has for me. there was a time in our lives where our paths have crossed, but now that time has passed and we must move on. i will not forget you, because you have made a big impact in my life and i hope that someday again we will see each other.
i'm not saying that my year was perfect; i have experienced a lot of loss this year and it will take time to get over it, but i learn from these things and i grow stronger from them. i just want everyone to feel the same, because this year has taught me that being constantly angry and pessimistic doesn't solve anything; it only makes things look worse, when they're really not as bad as they seem. you're wasting energy on complaining about how things should have been when really you should be using that energy on concentrating on setting yourself up for what's in store for you.
i have made a lot of mistakes this past year, and the years before that, and i do regret making all of them and the consequences that followed. i do think about it from time to time, but i know it won't bother me forever because i can't let it take over my life like that. i'm human and i make mistakes, but it's also human to forgive. i know now that the people who have been with me through these times and are still around to consider me their friend are the people i belong with, and i am truly thankful for you all.
so in hopes that the new year will bring new opportunities, new friends, new beginnings, and anything new and good, i wish you all a very happy new year, and good luck to you all in the near future!

bring it on, 2009!

bring it fuckin' on.

cool kids never have the time.

2008-12-29T17:57:00.000-05:00

the street heats the urgency of sound,
as you can see there's no one around.

sometimes i don't get why people try so hard to fit into things.
i see teenagers and young adults alike nowadays criticizing each other for being too this and too that. it's driving me crazy.
just recently i was downtown with a friend and we saw this guy dressed in really fitting jeans and that loose scarf everyone's wearing now wrapped around his neck. he was also wearing those thick plastic-rimmed glasses and a fitting button-up - like really, what are you trying to tell us here?
it's nearly impossible to go out these days without being judged by other people. i've never liked eye contact but nowadays it feels like people are literally eyefucking you, like they're trying to fit you into some kind of category. it's not in to be normal these days.
you get this kid in a bad religion t-shirt and a multicoloured mohawk ranting about how unjust society is these days and how the government should be taken down, and how selling out is the worst way to go in the music industry.
you see a guy dressed in clothes at least two times too big for him, with bicycle chains hanging off his neck and shiny retainers with glittery words on them retelling his story of hardship, addiction and violence, backed with samples of previous hit songs from the past.
there's a girl with bangs trickling over her face like a spilled oil slick with her wrists covered in thin rubber bracelets complaining about conformity and how she's so unique, when you could name at least ten other girls who dress and act exactly the same.
i don't know about you but i think it's getting a little overrated. nobody really knows who they are anymore - it's becoming a society full of people going through a prolonged identity crisis. it really does make me sick sometimes.